The setting: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of the
mind. Standing at center stage are the hosts of TINY TOON
ADVENTURES, BABS and BUSTER BUNNY. Also standing with them are
the award-winning singing Cowboy trio, RIDERS IN THE SKY, who
are bespectacled, walrus mustachioed bunkhouse bass player TOO
SLIM (The Man With A Dozen Friends), the fringe-wearin'est,
rope-trickin'est, and easily the most needlessly overeducated
member of the group, His Royal Majesty, WOODY PAUL (The King
of The Cowboy Fiddlers), and strumming a few jazz-inspired
chords on his yellow-bodied Harmony acoustic, the front man of
the trio, The Idol of American Youth, RANGER DOUG. Off to one
side of this unlikely gathering, nimbly demonstrating to Babs
and Buster's co-stars PLUCKY DUCK and MARY MELODY how
the TINY TOONS THEME sounds as a polka, is The Sultan of The
Stomach Steinway, JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING." Poised behind
a large old-fashioned announcer's microphone stands the Announcer/
Narrator of the Riders' serials, TEXAS BIX BENDER (The Voice
That Sold A Million Baby Chicks Over Border Radio). Suddenly,
the "ON AIR" light in the soundstage comes on, and Toons and
Riders suddenly come to attention and do what they do best...
they PUT ON A SHOW!
TEXAS BIX BENDER:
And now, it's time for that popular feature, "Who Wants To
Know?" Here again are your hosts, Babs and Buster Bunny!
BABS AND BUSTER:
(Cheerfully) No relation!
BUSTER:
Thanks, Texas Bix! That's right, it's time for "Who Wants To
Know," that popular feature where we answer your questions
about all the stories we appear in on the web, like, "What
was the TTA episode reference in that story last month?"...
BABS:
....or, "Why doesn't Fifi get her own show?"...
BUSTER:
Um, yeah...
BABS:
....or the question we get most frequently around here, "What
are you guys trying to pull?"...
BUSTER:
(Slightly peeved)... _thanks_, Babs. Anyway, for the benefit
of any newcomers, here's the rules for questions: You ask
'em, we _answer_ 'em, right, Babs?
BABS:
Right!... if they're not too stupid...
BUSTER:
Right... ahem, and joining us today on the show are three
guys in tastefully-decorated cowboy outfits who just happen
to be celebrating their 20th Anniversary this year, our special
guests, America's Favorite Cowboys, RIDERS IN THE SKY!
RIDERS:
Howdy!
RANGER DOUG:
And may I say on behalf of all of us how...
BUSTER:
(Quickly interrupting) Gee, thanks, Ranger Doug, Babs,
isn't there a question somebody should be asking?
BABS:
(Cheerfully) Right you are, Buster! And I think I hear
that old Phony Express rider comin' in now!
(B&B and the RIDERS all put their hands to their left
ears at the sound of approaching hoofbeats, followed by
a descending slide whistle, which is followed by the
sounds of plenty of breaking glass.)
RANGER DOUG:
(After a beat) Well, it sounds like my 3-D collector's
lifesize bust of Adrienne Barbeau finally arrived!
BUSTER:
Reach into that mess, there, Babs, and pull out today's
Gold Star Question... watch out for slivers...
BABS:
(Neatly avoiding the shards and deftly plucking a pair
of postcards) Got it! (Reads the cards) Hey, get this!
We have TWO Gold Star Question writers today, and they're
from different ends of the reality spectrum, and they
BOTH want to know the same thing about our guests, Riders
In The Sky!
(Needless to say, RIDERS IN THE SKY are pleased at this.)
TOO SLIM:
Well, we're here to answer their questions! I suppose they
want to know about how to play the face, or why I started
the "Paul Is Dead" thing back in the late 60s...
WOODY PAUL:
....or how I play the fiddle so well, or how to do "The
Cowboy Wedding Ring," or want me to explain in detail the
intricacies of plasma physics...
RANGER DOUG:
....or what the meaning of "The Cowboy Way" is, or how I
was inspired by Elton Britt records to develop yodeling
to...
BUSTER:
(Studying the postcards)...umm, actually, it's none of the
above. Our postal pals are Miss Sara Lee Hammersmith-Odeon
from way over there, and Eric at Box 42 in TV City...
BABS:
And their question regarding Riders In The Sky is... "Who
ARE these guys???"
(An embarrassed silence fills the soundstage as the smiles
on the Riders freeze, then fade away like the setting sun.
Finally, after nobody says anything for a few minutes, Too
Slim attempts an answer.)
TOO SLIM:
Who _are_ we? We're America's Favorite Cowboys, _that's all.
We've only been doing this for 20 Years, _That's_ all. We've
only had three TV series, a long-running public radio program,
produced over 15 albums, and logged over 1.5 million miles on
the road bringing wholesome, decent Cowboy harmony and comedy
to the folks, _THAT'S_ all...
(Ranger Doug heads Slim off at the pass before he makes this
opening sketch even worse than it already is.)
RANGER DOUG:
Slim, while what you say is true, and they can look it up if
they so desire, getting upset at a couple of letter writers
would be the _easy_ way...but it _wouldn't_ be...
(At this point, all three Riders chime in with their trademark
slogan and mantra.)
RIDERS:
....THE _COWBOY_ WAY!!!
BABS:
So, who _ARE_ you guys?
BUSTER:
(Hurriedly cutting her off the mike before she gets herself in
_real_ trouble) WellgeeBabsthatwasreallyveryinterestingbutOOPS!
lookatthetimewillyouwehavetogetunderwaywiththeserialnowsothanks
alotforthequestionwehopedweansweredthemtothebestofourknowledge
anduntilnexttimewhenweanswerthequestion"WhateverhappenedtoEdd
'Kookie'Byrnes?"thisisBusterBunnyonbehalfofBabsandourguests
RidersInTheSkysayingstay'toonedforthesecondinstallmentofour
specialserialparody"TheToonyWay"TEXASBIXGETUSOUTOFTHIS!
TEXAS BIX:
That's all the time we have for that popular feature, "Who
Wants To Know?" Please stay tuned to this webspace for the
continuing special feature, "The Toony Way," coming up next
on most of these computer monitors! This is the Mammoth Radio
Pictures Network.
(RIDERS IN THE SKY imitate cows mooing to the NBC signature
theme.)
TEXAS BIX:
And... we're clear!
(General milling about the soundstage as everyone gets ready
for the serial to resume. Babs and Buster look at each other
and shrug.)
BABS:
"Riders In The Sky"?
BUSTER:
Hey, don't ask _me_, I don't book the guests. But, Honey
seems to like 'em, so I guess they're okay.
BABS:
(Briefly considering this) Oh, well, if Honey likes 'em...
(Off to one side of the soundstage, RIDERS IN THE SKY, TEXAS
BIX and JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING" are in a huddled confab.)
TEXAS BIX:
"Tiny Toon Adventures"?
JOEY:
Who booked us for this?
TOO SLIM:
That's the last time we work with cartoon characters...
WOODY PAUL:
Yeah...'Who are these guys?'...
RANGER DOUG:
I know how you feel, boys, but we do have a contract, so we
have to honor it. It's...
TOO SLIM:
Yeah, we know, it's "The Cowboy Way"...
RANGER DOUG:
No, Slim, actually, it's the "Keeping Our Tails Out of Court
For Breach of Contract Way!" And besides, Honey seems to like
them, so I _guess_ they're okay...
(The rest of RIDERS IN THE SKY consider this.)
TOO SLIM:
Oh, well, if _Honey_ likes them...
(FADE TO BLACK as stage manager counts down to broadcast.)
(RIDERS RADIO THEATER Serial Theme plays in the background)
TEXAS BIX:
And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES in association with TTAFF--
whatever that means--presents the ongoing saga of "The Cowboy
Way." This month, Episode 2 of the exciting, SPECIAL Cartoon/
Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way."
As faithful readers will no doubt recall, RIDERS IN THE SKY
were taking a post-breakfast stroll around their home, Famed
Old Harmony Ranch, discussing what happened to their arch
enemies Slocum and Charlie at the end of the previous serial,
when without warning Woody Paul and the Riders' sidekick,
SIDE MEAT, stumble into what appear to be two large gopher
holes...
TOO SLIM:
Whoa! You boys okay?
WOODY:
Yeah, we're all right, but, where'd all these gopher holes
come from?
TEXAS BIX:
....some quick deduction from The Idol of American Youth,
RANGER DOUG, concludes that these gopher holes were made
by gophers. Ranger Doug is content to let the creatures be,
until Side Meat points out that those gophers have just
demolished The Ranger's newly reseeded horsehoe pitching
field, prompting Ranger Doug to take matters into his own
two hands...
RANGER DOUG:
Slim, hand me that 20-pound sledgehammer...
TEXAS BIX:
....but America's Favorite Cowboys are in for quite a
surprise, as instead of a large gopher coming up at their
feet, instead it turns out to be...
BUGS:
Eh...what's up, Doc?(tm)
TOO SLIM:
Bugs Bunny?! What are _YOU_ doing here?
TEXAS BIX:
....It turns out that what Bugs Bunny is doing here is getting
lost, having made another one of his famous wrong turns at
a famous New Mexico city. And he didn't get lost alone, for
he brought with him his protege BUSTER BUNNY and his girlfriend
BABS...
TEXAS BIX:
....who are shortly joined by bit player extraordinaire MARY
MELODY...
MARY:
(Shrugging) Oh well, another cameo, another paycheck...
TEXAS BIX:
....and last but never least, Bugs Bunny's longtime girlfriend,
the Sweetest Fembunny in All Toondom, HONEY BUNNY...
RIDERS:
WHO???
HONEY:
(Sigh)...I get _that_ a _LOT_...
TEXAS BIX:
....It turns out that Bugs and crew had actually intended to
spend part of their summer vacation at Bugs's Uncle Buck's
Lost Rabbit Gold and Silver Mine in Gower Gulch, which is,
as far as anyone knows, nowhere NEAR Tumbleweed Valley,
where The Riders live. So, America's Favorite Cowboys decide
to offer their new acquaintances the chance to stay at Famed
Old Harmony Ranch until they can get their bearings straight...
BUSTER:
I don't mind...
MARY:
What _else_ am I gonna do for 13 episodes?...
BABS:
If there isn't a _mall_ around here, I'm gonna kill someone...
PLUCKY:
(Unenthusiastically) Yee...ha...
HONEY:
Cheer up, Plucky. What could happen?
(Accordion sting)
TEXAS BIX:
It's time to find out what could happen, Honey, as we now
present Episode Two of "The Toony Way," entitled:
"BY THE WINK OF AN EYE AND THE PRICK
OF MY THUMBS,
SOMETHING _STUPID_ THIS WAY COMES!"
Realizing that there are some people reading this story
who may not be familiar with Riders In The Sky, Tumbleweed
Valley, or the many assorted characters who inhabit this
last vestige of the West in the late 20th Century, a bit of
backtracking becomes necessary. You'll recall, dear friends,
in Episode One, Riders In The Sky mentioned that things were
a little too peaceful in Tumbleweed Valley since their arch
enemies, Slocum and Charlie, were literally sent up the river
in an atomic powered kayak, 500 miles per hour in the wrong
direction. That was months ago, and everyone had thought that
they had seen the last of those two. Oh, how wrong could a
whole town be?
It's the night of the previous day before the Toonatics
arrive at Harmony Ranch. And in Tumbleweed City, under the
cover of darkness, two sorry-looking, waterlogged figures
slink dejectedly down the dimly lit streets and along the
back alleys... two desperadoes waiting for a brain... two
denizens of the dark side that followers of these serials know
only all _too_ well, and whose acquaintance our toony newcomers
to these proceedings will soon wish they'd never made.
The short one, with the pencil-thin mustache and the
soggy polyester suit, and his henchman companion, a 300-lb.
doofus with a brian the size of a peanut, finally reach their
objective, whichs faithful followers of these serials know
as the back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, which has served
as their headquarters for their misguided schemes for lo
these many years. Seeing that it's been padlocked under the
orders of the local law enforcement official, High Sheriff
Drywall Paul, while they were cruising up the river in an
atomic powered kayak, does _not_ make them particularly
happy. However, when you have a 300-lb. doofus working for
you, locks don't usually present a problem.
(SFX: Shattered wooden door.)
Having re-opened for business, the dastardly duo slink
soggily indoors, leaving small puddles of water behind them.
They sit at a table in the back of the saloon, and wonder
where they went wrong _this_ time. The man in the polyester
suit, for the benefit of any newcomers, is nothing less than
evil on two legs with wing-tip shoes... a man who personifies
nasty, with an attitude... a man who has constantly tried,
time and time again, to have things his own way, only to be
thwarted time and time again by Riders In The Sky... and his
own ineptitude. Oilier than an Indy 500 pit stop, this is
none other than Tumbleweed Valley's own Prince of Villains,
Algernon Swinbourne Slocum! And as he sits and broods at the
table in the back, it becomes clear that this is not a happy
homecomeing...
"I don't believe it," Slocum grumbles. "Thwarted _again_
by those ridiculous singing cowboys!!! How many times is it
_now_, Charlie?" Since the big doofus Slocum has just barked
that question to happens to be Charlie, it makes his question
very convenient.
"I don't know, Boss," Charlie replies in a low, gruff
voice, "I gave up keeping track years ago...all that dealing
with large numbers sorta makes my head hurt after awhile..."
"Well, no matter. They've ruined my plans for the _last_
time."
"You're not thinking of retiring, are you, Boss?"
"Don't be an _idiot_, Charlie," Slocum sneered. "But I
_am_ planning on retiring Riders In The Sky--_PERMANENTLY_!"
The evil laugh that escapes his lips carries with it all the
unctious insincerity of a disreputable used car salesman.
"Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. And in the morning, I think
I'll have a 'retirement plan' tailor-made for those three
yodeling yahoos...hah! Hah-hah! Hah-hah-hah!"
"Heh-heh...rriiiiiigghhht...'retirement plan'...heh...
heh-heh..." Charlie agreed.
The evilest of schemes come to life in the dead of night,
and while he sleeps, Slocum's twisted mind works overtime,
hatching what he hopes will be the most heinous scheme in his
whole, rotten career. Eventually, though, the long night's
journey into day finally comes to an end the next morning,
as dawn breaks...
(SFX: Breaking glass)
....the sun also rises...
(SFX: ascending slide whistle)
....and a new day begins in the unsuspecting Tumbleweed Valley.
Meanwhile, back at Harmony Ranch, Ranger Doug, Woody Paul and
Too Slim are just now realizing that, yes, they really are
talking to a newly-arrived bunch of cartoon characters who've
got no idea where in the world they are. The one thing they
_do_ know, however, is what a long, strange trip it's been...
so far...
"Say, I'll bet you guys are hungry after your long, strange
trip," Ranger Doug said. "Side Meat, whip up some breakfast for
our guests."
The grizzled old geezer just sneered. "No!"
"Side Meat," Ranger Doug cautioned, "we have _guests_..."
"So, let 'em stay at a hotel! I ain't gonna spend most o'
th' day cookin' fer a bunch o' cartoon characters, mwah-whew!"
"We prefer to be thought of as 'toons,'" Buster offered.
"An' _I'D_ prefer ta be thought of as..." Before Side Meat
could finish his tirade, Ranger Doug made another valiant but
misguided attempt to get him to listen to reason.
"Now, Side Meat, you know I can't ORDER you to cook for
our guests..."
"Yer doggone right," Side Meat agreed.
"I realize that you've probably already put away all
your pots and pans and dishes, and it would be an extra bit
of inconvenience for you to extend some Western hospitality
to our new friends..." The toons all smiled sweetly at Side
Meat, who thought for a moment about what Ranger Doug had
said.
"Welll..." It looked for a moment that The Ranger had
worn down the geezer's resistance, until Woody Paul and
Too Slim called Ranger Doug away.
"Uh, Ranger Doug, can we talk to you for just a moment?"
"Well, Woody, is it important?"
"Oh, we think so," Slim answered.
"All right," Ranger Doug said. Turning to Side Meat, he
said, "You don't need to answer right away, I'll be right
back..."
"Oh, that's okay, we've got lots of time to wait for
some food of any kind," Plucky grumbled sarcastically.
Once they were sure they were out of earshot of the Toons and
Side Meat, Woody Paul and Too Slim quickly drew Ranger Doug into
a huddle.
"Ranger Doug," Slim whispered in hushed tones, "we've never
questioned your judgement before, have we?"
"Well, no, Slim, you haven't..."
"Except for that time in the 'Phantom of the Valley' serial
when you began walking into rocks," Woody whispered.
"_Thank_ you, Woody, I'd almost conveniently _forgotten_
about that one," The Ranger grimaced. "What's your point?"
"Well, Ranger Doug, do you really want to feed those guys
_Side_Meat's_ cooking?" Slim asked, a worried look on his face.
The Riders cast a glance at the Toons, who smiled pleasantly and
waved at them. The Riders smiled and waved back, then returned to
the huddle.
"Well, they _are_ our guests, boys," Ranger Doug whispered.
"But..._Side_Meat's_ cooking? Ranger Doug, is that something
you'd _really_ want to do to them?" Slim whispered urgently.
"Yeah, Ranger Doug," Woody added, "I mean, we're _used_ to it
by now, we've sort of built up an _immunity_ to it...almost...
but, they're _new_ here! Who knows _what_ it could do to them?"
The Riders looked back at the Toons, who smiled pleasantly and
waved. The Riders did the same, then returned to the huddle.
"Boys, I appreciate your concern, but may I remind you that
they are cartoon characters. You can't kill cartoon characters,
even with bad cooking!" The Ranger whispered emphatically.
"But Ranger Doug, that's _Bugs Bunny_ with them! Do you
_really_ want to be the one responsible for unintentionally
poisoning Bugs Bunny?" Woody asked.
"_Think_ about it, Ranger Doug," Slim whispered urgently,
"..._SIDE_MEAT_..."
The Rangers took one more look at the Toons, who smiled and
waved one more time.
"Okay, boys, I see what you mean," Ranger Doug conceded.
Breaking out of the huddle and returning to the group, Ranger
Doug beamed, "Side Meat, on second thought, you've been working
too hard lately. Why don't you... take the rest of the day off,
and we'll treat our new compadres at Dottie's Diner?"
"Welll... you don't have to do _that_," Side Meat began.
"Oh, yes, we do!" The Ranger asserted, as he quickly gave
Honey Bunny directions to Dottie's. The pretty gray and white
fembunny listened attentively and nodded.
"All right, I think I got all that," she said. "Okay, gang,
everybody in the truck!" As the Toons piled into the powder
blue vehicle, Riders In The Sky mounted their horses.
"Keep an eye on things 'til we get back, Side Meat," Ranger
Doug said as he mounted his majestic Palomino, The Amazing
Turbo, the Wonder Horse of the West. "Come on, boys... let's
RIDE!" And with America's Favorite Cowboys leading the way,
in no time at all the Toons were being treated to true Western
hospitality, not to mention a decent meal, at Dottie's Diner.
While they were enjoying lunch, The Riders listened as Bugs
told the tale of his Uncle Buck's recent strike in Gower Gulch.
"So, Bugs," Woody asked, "your Uncle's really loaded, eh?"
"Oh, used ta get dat way," Bugs said between sips of carrot
juice, "finally had ta lay off da stuff..." Honey Bunny quickly
elbowed him in the side. Bugs turned and glared at her. "HEY!...
_OH!_ You meant his _mine_... heh-heh-heh... yeah, he spent years
lookin' for da Lost Rabbit Mine, an' last year he fin'lly found it..."
Before anybody could stop him, Slim said, "So now it's the
'_Found_' Rabbit Mine!" Slim was easily amused by his own joke,
but he was the only one, as the Toons stared at him with blank
expressions, and Ranger Doug and Woody Paul shook their heads
and buried their faces in their hands. Still, Slim ill-advisedly
went on. "Don't you _get_ it? The _Found_ Rabbit Mine! Hah! Hah!
It used to be the _Lost_ Rabbit Mine, but now..."
"We got it, Slim," Buster said dryly.
"We're just not sure we _want_ it," Babs added.
After an all-too-brief embarrassing silence, Slim said
dejectedly, "...I thought cartoon characters had a sense of
humor."
"We _do_," Plucky said, "that's why we didn't _laugh_ at..."
"Cool it," Honey said calmly, sipping her orange juice.
"Okay," Plucky and Buster said. Then, not quite sure what
happened, Plucky turned to Buster. "How's she _do_ that?"
"Beats me," the blue bunny shrugged.
"So, anyways," Bugs continued, "I promised meself dat some
day I'd show da kids da mine, wit' Buck's permission, of course."
"Is it a _big_ mine?" Slim asked.
"The _biggest_! You see," Buster explained, "Buck's strike
turned out to be the single largest there's ever been. He's
got more silver and gold there than most billionaires would
know what to do with!"
"Are there any silver or gold mines around here?" Mary asked,
in between sips of skim milk.
"Plenty of them, Mary," Ranger Doug replied, "but they were
all played out years ago. There's not a speck of silver or gold
left in any of them."
"Yeah," Slim added, "but there's still plenty of stories
and legends that say there's still _one_ untapped mine left."
"And it's supposed to be sitting on top of the biggest
motherlode in all of Tumbleweed Valley!" interjected Woody.
"But nobody's ever been able to find it," Ranger Doug said.
"Well, _what_ are we _waiting_ for?" Plucky asked, dollar
signs flashing in his eyes. "Bugs has a great trick he does when
it comes to finding gold!"
All eyes in the diner turned on Bugs, who in turn was staring
coolly at Plucky. "Eh, _some_ ducks got big yaps. Anyways, you
hoid dese guys say it's just a legend. An' if dere's one t'ing
I loined by stayin' alive as long as I have, it's dat it ain't
wise ta go chasin' down a legend. Let's change da subject, okay?"
"Right," Babs agreed. "Let's talk about something that's
_really_ important!... Where's the _mall_ around here?"
Woody and Slim looked at each other. "_Oh_-oh," they said.
"You know, Babs," Ranger Doug began, "that's what's _wrong_
with the country today, too many malls! Everywhere you look,
there's another one! Oh, sure, it starts out innocently enough,
just one little mall, that's not going to hurt anything. But
then, before you know it, there's two! Then two more! And then
FOUR more! And ON and ON and ON until they're covering the
pristine landscape like so much out of control Johnson grass!
And before you know it, they've choked the life out of the
little Mom and Pop stores struggling to stay alive! Once they
get a foothold, you can't get rid of them! This country is
being malled to death, Babs! If it were up to me..."
"Now you've done it, Babs," Slim whispered while Ranger
Doug continued ranting, "you got him started on 'The Malling
of America'!"
"Yeah," Woody added, "now he'll go on like this for
_hours_!"
"Isn't there any way to shut him off?" Plucky asked. Then,
instinctively, all eyes (except, of course, Ranger Doug's)
turned towards Honey, who sighed, smiled sweetly, and gently
placed a gloved paw on The Ranger's shoulder.
"Thank you, Doug," Honey said softly. Immediately, The Idol
Of American Youth came to a stop, turned and smiled at her.
"You're welcome, Honey," he said. Then a blank look came
over him, and he shook his head as though he was clearing his
mind of cobwebs.
"Is anything the matter?" Honey asked innocently.
"I... I'm not sure," Ranger Doug replied hesitantly, "I
could've sworn I was saying something important..."
"Don't worry," Bugs said, calmly sipping his carrot juice,
"you weren't"
"Oh, well, as long as I weren't... uh, wasn't," The Ranger
smiled. "You were saying something, Babs?"
"Yeah," she began, "you got any m--"
Buster quickly covered her mouth and interrupted her. "Mom
and Pop stores around here?" This drew a cross look from Babs,
and relieved looks from everybody else.
"Yeah," Woody said, "there's Miller-Morton Mercantile,
that's right up the street!"
"Oh, how quaint," Babs said with obvious fake enthusiasm,
"a mercantile."
"Hey, that sounds like fun," Mary smiled.
"Maybe you should get out more," Plucky snarled.
"Now _just_ a _minute_," challenged Mary.
Honey sighed again and tapped the bickering Toons on the
shoulder. "I have a great idea, let's go shopping, okay?"
"Okay," the Toons agreed. Then, as they shook their heads
to clear out the cobwebs and Buster laughed to himself, Bugs
stared open-mouthed at his bride.
"Eh, Hon," he asked as Riders In The Sky sprang for the
meal, "how come you never told me you could do dat?"
With a sexy-but-innocent smile, Honey batted her eyelids
shyly. "Do _what_?"
Bugs stopped. "Ummm... yeah."
Had the Toons and The Riders been paying closer attention
in the crowded diner, they might have noticed a big, hulking
300 pound doofus availing himself of free ice water at the
lunch counter, eavesdropping on their conversation. Naturally,
he didn't hear all of it, and he decided to leave before it
was finished. But Charlie thought what little he had heard
could turn out to be important.
"Hey, I'll bet this could turn out to be important," he
said to himself. "I better tell Slocum about this..." He
reached into his shirt pocket for a stick of his favorite gum,
and was annoyed at not finding any. "Oh, well," he growled,
"I'll just see if they've got any at Miller-Morton's
Mercantile, heh... heh-heh..."
And speaking of The Prince of Villains, even now, Slocum
is rummaging thorugh his private files in the back room of
the Dry Gulch Saloon, where he peruses his meticulously-kept
chronicles of crime, trying to analyze what went wrong with
each of his dastardly plans against Riders In The Sky, when
he suddenly makes a discovery...
"Hmm, that didn't work... no, _that_ didn't work... huh,
that one _REALLY_ didn't work... hey, what's this?" He pulled
out a small, clear glass bottle from the "C" file, and read
the faded yellow label. "What the... 'Crumbumbium'? What's
_this_ stuff?" He opened the bottle and took a whiff. "Hmm,
no discernable odor... maybe it's acid..." He poured a little
of the colorless liquid on the floor and waited for something
to happen. Nothing did. So, Slocum took a bar rag, wiped it
up, and threw the rag casually across the room, where it
landed on the head of a concrete statue of Napoleon. "Another
worthless item," he grumbled, replacing the lid on the bottle
and placing it on a nearby table. "Wonder what it was doing
in there. Oh, well..."
Meanwhile, back in Miller-Morton's Mercantile, Bugs and
Honey Bunny and the Tiny Toons are having a good time after
all. Mary picked up a couple of tastefully-decorated cowgirl
blouses, a dozen mandolin picks, and a couple of spare golden
hair ribbons for her ponytail, plus a bright red bandana.
Babs found some intricately-decorated cowgirl boots that
appealed to her fashion sense, and a matching vest. Bugs and
Buster got some laughs out of Honey and The Riders as they
tried on various cowboy hats, almost all of them falling
over their eyes, while Honey herself picked up twelve sets
of new guitar strings, a jar of guitar polish, 24 blouses,
16 vests, 14 jeans, 19 bolo ties, 15 hat bands, a copy of
the new best-selling book "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On!,
Vol. 2," and a tube of toothpaste.
"Eh, ya t'ink you got everyt'ing, Duchess?" Bugs asked
playfully.
Honey batted her eyelids. "For _this_ trip, yes. But it's
still early in the day." She smiled sweetly.
Buster chuckled and turned towards his mentor. "It's a
good thing Buck's _got_ all that silver and gold. You're
likely to _need_ it!"
Bugs laughed, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, what da heck
am _I_ laughin' for? I jus' got _married_ to dat spendt'rift!"
As The Riders laugh along, and help themselves to the free
fresh-squeezed lemonade at the checkout counter, Woody
notices that Plucky still can't make up his mind what to buy.
"You wouldn't think a little place like this'd have so
much stuff," Plucky said in exasperation.
"You guys comin' or ain't ya? It ain't like we got all
day here, ya know," Bugs complained as he paid good
American cash for Honey's purchases.
"We'll be right with ya, Bugs," Woody called to him. "Uh,
Plucky..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," the duck said as he looked in his
nearly empty wallet, seeing that he only had a quarter with
him. "Oh, well, maybe I can buy a stick of gum..."
"You go right ahead, Plucky, I'm gonna get me some new
fiddle strings," Woody said, heading toward the new fiddle
string section. All of a sudden, a large shadow cast itself
over Plucky.
"Hmmm, I didn't know you could have an eclipse inside a
building," he mused. Then, looking up, he saw that large
shadow was being cast by a 300-lb. doofus, who had Old Man
Miller by the throat, pinning him to the wall.
"You got my _gum_ for me, Miller?" the big doofus said
menacingly.
"Y-y-yes, sir," the old man said, trembling in fear.
"Good! I don't _like_ it when I can't have my gum! Heh...
heh-heh..." Suddenly, a voice from behind got Charlie's
attention.
"Hey, you big bully! Who do you think you're pushing
around?"
In a Walter Brennan-type voice, Old Man Miller, who Charlie
still had pinned to the wall, attempted to warn Plucky. "Young
feller, I wouldn't..."
"SHUT UP!" Charlie bellowed. Then the big doofus turned around
and looked down at the little green duck. "Well, squab, what are
_you_ lookin' at?" he growled.
"That's what I'm trying to figure out," Plucky replied, not
knowing any better.
At this point, Charlie could have easily squashed Plucky like
a grape. Instead, an evil smile crossed his ugly puss. Dropping
Old Man Miller to the ground, he opened the case of gum he had
under his arm and handed a stick of it to the duck. "Here, squab...
have some _gum_!"
Ignoring Old Man Miller's silent hand signals for him not to,
Plucky accepted a stick. "Um, well, uh, thanks... hmmm...'Cactus
Gum'? I don't believe I've ever heard of it. Is it any good?"
Charlie leered wickedly. "Try it and _seeeeeee_..."
"Young feller, I wouldn't..."
"I SAID 'SHUT UP!'," Charlie bellowed at Old Man Miller, as
Plucky shrugged, unwrapped the green gum with the unusual texture,
placed it in his bill, began chewing... and then stopped. His
eyeballs shrunk to the diameters of pin points.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" he screamed, as Charlie
laughed and lumbered out the door, the unpaid for case of gum under
his arm. Plucky, while attempting to recover, had enough presence of
mind to grab a bumper sticker off a nearby display and slap it across the
rear of Charlie's jeans as he was leaving. Old Man Miller, meanwhile,
had regained his equilibrium and found a pair of pliers and ambled over
to the duck.
"Young feller, you really shouldn'ta done that," he said as
he used the pliers to extracate the cactus needles from Plucky's
tongue.
"OW!... Yeah, I... OW!... know, but... OW!... that guy... OW!...
IS a 'Wide Load'... OW!!!" It was at that moment that Woody Paul
returned, a batch of new fiddle strings in his hand.
"Well, I'm all ready to..." Then looking at the curious
sight of Old Man Miller extracting cactus needles from Plucky
Duck's tongue, said, "...did I miss something?"
"OW!!!!" replied Plucky.
"What happened?" Woody asked. Old Man Miller looked up at the
King of the Cowboy Fiddlers.
"We got trouble, Woody Paul... Charlie's back in town."
Woody almost dropped his fiddle strings. "WHAT??? Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure," Old Man Miller replied as he pulled the last
needle out of Plucky's swollen tongue. "He was just in here!"
"You're _sure_ it was Charlie?"
Plucky looked up, a disdainful look on his face. "Big hulking
doofus?" he tried to say; unfortunately, his tongue was swollen,
so it came out sounding a little funny. Fortunately, though, Woody
understood him.
"That sounds like Charlie, all right," Woody said. "But, what
happened to _you_?"
"Charlie was strong-armin' me, an' this little feller tried
to help," Old Man Miller answered, while Plucky tried to regain
_his_ equilibrium.
"Whoa, _you_ stood up to _Charlie_? You really _are_ plucky,
Plucky! But I'm afraid you just made a dangerous enemy."
Plucky looked at Woody, slightly annoyed. "Is there any other
kind?" he asked.
Woody handed Old Man Miller the exact dollar amount for his
fiddle strings. "Come on, Plucky, we gotta find Ranger Doug and
Too Slim right away! If Charlie's back in town, then Slocum can't
be too far behind!"
Plucky looked puzzled. "Slocum? That sounds like something
you'd wanna wipe off your hands!"
"You don't know how right you are about _that_, Plucky! Come
on..."
"Yeah, Woody, just a minute. My tongue still hurts, I need
a drink..." the duck replied, quickly drinking some free, fresh
lemonade. Those who know Plucky should not be surprised at what
he says next, and those that don't surely can guess...
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!"
A short time later, in the dimly lit back room of the Dry Gulch
Saloon, Charlie is attempting to tell Slocum what happened in
Dottie's Diner. Slocum, of course, isn't interested.
"But, Slocum, I tell you I saw Bugs Bunny in Dottie's Diner..."
"Good, I was wondering when she was going to change the
wallpaper in there," Slocum sneered.
"No, Boss, Bugs Bunny was THERE! In the Diner! He was talking
about his Uncle and a big silver and gold mine..."
"Heh-heh, Charlie, my boy, I think you've taken one too many
falls off the mountain, there! Bugs Bunny is a cartoon character!
Now, don't bother me, I'm trying to formulate a plan to get rid
of 'Dingbats In The Sky'..."
"But Boss, Bugs Bunny was WITH..."
Slocum turned angrily on his doofus henchman. "I don't want
to hear ONE MORE WORD about Bugs Bunny, okay? Got it?"
"But, Boss..."
"NOT ONE MORE!"
Charlie shrugged. "Okay, but don't say I didn't try..."
Slocum returned to his studying of his evil plans. "There's
just _GOT_ to be a way we can get rid of those twits once and
for all... unfortunately, it'll take moola to get my plans going."
Charlie scratched his head. "Uhhhhh... 'moola'?"
"Long green, swag, pictures of Presidents, the coin of the
realm..." said Slocum.
"Uhhhhhhhhh...." said Charlie.
"MONEY, you nincompoop!" Slocum yelled in exasperation.
"Uhh... _rrriiiiiiggghhhtt_ ...money..."
Slocum considered his options, which were limited at best.
"Now, where can we get our hands on some ready cash in a hurry?"
"Well, Boss," Charlie offered, "we could always rob the
First Rational Bank..."
"Nah, that wouldn't work. They'd probably be expecting us
to do that. No, Charlie, any financing's gotta come from the
_outside_."
"Whaddya expect it to do, Slocum, just kick in the door
and walk in?" Charlie asked. At that second, the re-installed
door of the Dry Gulch Saloon is kicked in...
(SFX: Door being kicked in)
....and a lone figure stands in the open doorway.
"Hey, watch it! I just had that door replaced!" Slocum yelled.
Then, he and Charlie are startled to see the small figure standing
in the doorway, his features obscured by the backlighting of the
sun. It's been said (by me) that the smallest of men cast large
shadows, and the shadow cast by this one is large indeed, and it's
made even larger by the obscenely large roll of money in his hand.
He walks in like he owns the place, and looks the surprised scum
of the earth up and down, rather disdainfully. And when he speaks,
no, shouts, his voice sounds like gravel rattling in a can.
"Which one of you creeps is Slocum?" he barks.
"I'm the creep... I mean, _I'm_ Slocum. Now, whaddya want,
punk, I'm busy..."
A malicious glint appeared in Charlie's eyes. "You want me to
crush this twerp, Boss?"
The little twerp glared only slightly at the big doofus. "I
have a _job_ for you two..."
"Yeah, so?" Charlie responded.
"It _pays_ well," the twerp said, waving the bankroll in
front of Slocum and Charlie. With a quickness that belies his
immense size, Charlie grabbed the money... and received a huge
shock. Literally.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!" Charlie bellowed, grabbing
his hand in agony, and dropping the roll of money on the floor, where it
rolls to Slocum's feet. The little twerp smiles smugly and pockets a small
electronic device.
"Hey, hotwired money, I _like_ that, heh-heh-heh-heh,"
Slocum laughed with an oily laugh as he cautiously reached for
the money, only to find his hand being stepped on. "Ow! What th-?"
"Cleats. They're not just for golf anymore," the little twerp
snickered, as he picked up the bankroll. "You don't get it yet.
Like I said, I've got a _job_ I want you to do for me."
"Yeah, sure, sure," Slocum said, rubbing his hand, trying to
get the feeling back in his fingers. "What _kind_ of job?"
"In bad time," the twerp sneered. "But, it'll be worth the
effort, or my name isn't... Montana Max!... and it _is!_"
(Accordion sting)
Who invited _THAT_ little creep into this story? What job
has he got in mind for Slocum and Charlie? Will they notice
that their new financier is a cartoon charcter? Will Plucky
Duck ever drink free lemonade ever again? Will patrons of the
Dry Gulch Saloon be confused when they see that the new door
in the rear entrance bears a little plaque that says "Men"?
And what IS Crumbumbium and what DOES it do? Well, you won't
find the answers by going one-on-one with P. J. Carlisemo,
but you _WILL_ find them right here, same time, same webspace,
next month in Episode 3 of "The Toony Way," entitled:
"HEADED FOR A FALL!"
It's free-falling, gravity-proving, rapidly-plummeting Cartoon/
Cowboy Melodrama that you _WON'T_ want to miss, and it's coming
only to _THIS_...INTERNET OF THE MIND!!!
(Music up and out.)
================================================
THE LAWYERS MADE US DO IT DEPARTMENT:
"LOONEY TUNES," "TINY TOON ADVENTURES," and all related
characters and indicia are trademarks of and Copyrighted
(C)1997, Warner Bros., Inc., a Time-Warner Co. All rights
reserved.
"RIDERS IN THE SKY" and all related characters and trademark
elements are Copyrighted (C)1997 by Riders In The Sky and
Songs Of The Sage, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved.
Story (C)1997, Lee M. Withers.
This story is an original work of fan fiction, and is not meant
to be taken as canon. The author makes no claims on the rights
or copyrights held by the trademark owners. Slocum would, but,
hey, he's a slimeball. Say goodnight, Babs.