(The setting: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of
the mind. As our scenario opens, the stage is filled with the
wonderful sounds of the #11 song in the "National Cartoon Polka
Countdown, Warner Bros. Division," "The Pinky and the Brain...
POLKA!!!" as masterfully played by the Baron of the Belly Baldwin,
JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING". With the final chord still ringing in
the gargantuan soundstage, The Voice That Sold A Million Baby
Chicks Over Border Radio, TEXAS BIX BENDER, steps up to the large
old-fashioned announcer's microphone. Also gathered on stage,
the co-hosts of TINY TOON ADVENTURES, BABS and BUSTER BUNNY (No
relation); BUGS and HONEY BUNNY; and, of course, America's
Favorite Cowboys, RIDERS IN THE SKY: TOO SLIM (A Man Aging Like
Fine Cheese), WOODY PAUL (The King of the Cowboy Fiddlers), and
RANGER DOUG (The Idol of American Youth). On the cue from the
floor director, The Riders and Joey play the "Riders Radio Theater"
Serial theme, and Texas Bix begins his traditional spiel.)
TEXAS BIX:
And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES in association with TTAFF, "The
Greatest Name in Cheese Since Time Immemorial," present the
ongoing saga of The Cowboy Way. Tonight, Episode Three of the
exciting, SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way."
As faithful readers will no doubt recall...
(At this point, an officious-looking yuppie type with a clipboard
and a stopwatch unwisely interrupts the proceedings.)
YUPPIE:
Ahem...Mr. Bender, could you please not do this?
(The music comes to a dead stop and EVERYBODY stares at him...
ESPECIALLY Texas Bix.)
TEXAS BIX:
(Very put-off) I beg your pardon? Just who are you?
YUPPIE:
Bulova's the name. Waltham T. Bulova. I'm your new efficiency
expert.
(General groaning and gnashing of teeth from Toons and Riders alike.)
BUGS:
You're da _what_?
BULOVA:
I'm the efficiency expert, fan fiction division, and what Mr.
Bender is doing is unnecessary, _completely_ unnecessary,
um-_HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM_! (Whenever he says that,
the last part rises in a very annoying crescendo that makes everybody cringe.)
BUSTER:
(Off-mike to Babs) _Already_ I smell trouble.
BABS:
(Sniffing the air) So _that's_ what that smell is. (Makes a face.)
RANGER DOUG:
Wait a minute! Are you saying that Texas Bix should just skip the
recap? Cut it out completely? Ignore hundreds of years of serial
tradition? Leave thousands of fan fiction readers who just happened
to find this cozy little melodrama, and haven't read the first two
episodes, in the dark completely?
BULOVA:
(Condescendingly) You catch on _fast_, Buffalo Bob, um-HMMMMMMMMMM!
(Everybody cringes. It's the vocal equivalent of fingernails on
a blackboard.)
TEXAS BIX:
(Really put-off) Youmg...man?...are you familiar with the serial
tradition at all? It's a long-standing tradition in movie, print
and radio serials that the beginning of every episode, except for
Episode 1, when there's nothing to recall, begins with a recap!
BULOVA:
What's the _reason_ for that?
(Texas Bix nearly goes into apoplexy. Bulova has failed to notice
Babs and Buster, who go into a conspiratorial huddle.)
BUSTER:
(Whispering) Are you thinking what _I'm_ thinking?
BABS:
(Also whispering) Are you kidding? What woman would _want_ him?
(Notices scowl on Buster's face.) Oh. Just a minute. (Whips out
a cell-phone and whispers instructions to...somebody. Hangs up.
Turns and grins to Buster.) Consider it _done._
BUSTER:
(Grinning wickedly) Good girl, Babsie! (The two young rabbits
return their attention to the ongoing conflict at center stage.)
WOODY PAUL:
What do you _mean_, "What's the reason"? Haven't you ever
_LISTENED_ to "Riders Radio Theater"?
BULOVA:
(In obvious snit) Public radio, right?
WOODY:
Right!
BULOVA:
(Smugly) Never listen to it, un-UNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Everybody cringes.)
RANGER DOUG:
That figures. But, getting back to what passes for a rational
thought around here, what about all those folks who've tuned in
late? Without the recap, they won't have a clue as to what's
going on in the story!
TOO SLIM:
He's right! I mean, there've been listeners to our show who've
heard _whole_serials_ and still don't know what's...going...
(Texas Bix, Joey, Ranger Doug, Woody Paul, Bugs and Honey all
shoot Slim a look that just can't be described in print.) I...
I'm not helping, am I?
RANGER DOUG:
No, you're _not_.
BULOVA:
(_Very_ smugly) I rest my case, um-HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
(Everybody, INCLUDING the floor director, cringes. Babs turns
toward Buster.)
BABS:
(Whispering, with a wicked glint in her eyes) Now?
BUSTER:
(Also whispering, with the same wicked glint) Now.
BABS:
Right. (Clears her throat) Ahem, excuse me, Mr. Bulova, would
you do me a _biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig_ favor?
(Curious, Texas Bix and The Riders huddle with Buster.)
RANGER DOUG:
What's she doing, Buster?
BUSTER:
(Grinning like the rabbit that just ate the carrot) Watch, and
learn.
BULOVA:
If it's not too time-consuming...
BABS:
(Pouring on the charm, although with this guy it's probably a
wasted effort) Well, could you, um, back up about, oh, seven
feet or so? Please?
(Bulova does so.)
BABS:
Okay, now, move about a foot to your left...
(Bulova does so.)
BABS:
Okay, now, "oonch" a little further...
BULOVA:
(Looks down.) You mean, right about where this big, red "X" is?
(Buster smiles wickedly. Everybody else cringes. Bulova moves
where he's told. A bell pull-rope silently drops from above
until it's right beside him. Babs gives the "O-K" signal with
her opposing thumb and forefinger and smiles.)
BABS:
PERFECT! Oh, just one more thing, Mr. Bulova...could you please
pull that cord beside you?
(Bulova shrugs.)
BULOVA:
Oh, all right. (Pulls the cord.) Now, young lady, what was the...
(Before he can finish, the unmistakable sound of a rapidly
plummeting anvil gets the Riders' attention. It also gets Mr.
Waltham T. Bulova's attention, flattening him like a squished
bug. The Riders and Texas Bix follow Buster and Babs's eyes as
they turn their gaze upward to an overhead catwalk, where MARY
MELODY and PLUCKY DUCK--and a PLENTIFUL supply of anvils--are
perched. Mary and Plucky smile with the satisfaction of a job
well done, and exchange high-fours.)
MARY:
Another anvil, another paycheck.
(Texas Bix and The Riders stare open-mouthed at Buster and Babs,
who simply shrug it off as being all in a day's work.)
BABS:
(Grinning) No need to thank us, Texas Bix.
BUSTER:
(Also grinning) Yeah, maybe someday when _we're_ up against it,
you can pull _our_ tails out of the fire!
TEXAS BIX:
(After a beat, and a little unsure about the mental stability
of creatures that would enjoy such a thing as what he's just
witnessed) Uh...right. What was I doing before all this?
(Honey Bunny walks up to him and motions him to lean down to her.
She smiles her typical warmest smile.)
HONEY:
You were doing the recap. (She kisses him on the cheek and walks
away, looking over her shoulder.) Loved your new book, by the
way.
(While Texas Bix tries to recover from this, Plucky and Mary have
rejoined the gang on the studio floor.)
PLUCKY:
I don't know what _he_ was bellyaching about. (Flips through his
script.) This whole opening sketch took longer than the recap!
BUSTER:
Well, then, what are we waiting for?
RIDERS IN THE SKY:
Let the show begin?
BABS:
(Somewhat coyly) _Not_ without the recap. (Moaning from under the
anvil. Babs glares at it.) Oh, shut up, you had your say and you
blew it. Go bother "Seinfeld."
(SERIAL THEME resumes playing from the top.)
TEXAS BIX:
And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES, in association with TTAFF, "The
Greatest Name in Cheese Since Time Immemorial," presents the
ongoing saga of The Cowboy Way. Tonight, Episode 3 of the exciting
SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way." (Glares proudly
at the anvil, and emphasizes his next sentence) As faithful
readers _will__no__doubt__recall_...
(Groaning from underneath the anvil. Texas Bix ignores this and
continues doing his job.)
Bugs Bunny and the Tiny Toons, along with Honey Bunny, made a
wrong turn at Albuquerque and wound up at Famed Old Harmony
Ranch, home of Riders In The Sky. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to
America's Favorite Cowboys, their old nemeses, Slocum and Charlie,
had made their way back to Tumbleweed City, where they begin to
make premature retirement plans for our intrepid heroes. It's
while having lunch with the Riders that the Toons talk about the
recent discovery made by Bugs's Uncle Buck:
BUSTER:
It's the biggest gold and silver strike that's ever been made!
TEXAS BIX:
This news is promptly overheard by Charlie, who just happened to
be mooching free ice water at Dottie's Diner at the time, and,
being a doofus, naturally makes the mistaken assumption that the
strike Buster is referring to has happened in Tumbleweed Valley!
Meanwhile, at his headquarters in the back of the Dry Gulch
Saloon, Slocum made a discovery of his own:
SLOCUM:
"Crumbumbium"? What's _this_ stuff?
TEXAS BIX:
A short time later at Miller-Morton's Mercantile, the Toons made
some purchases...and Plucky Duck made a new friend...
CHARLIE:
(Menacingly) What are _YOU_ lookin' at, squab?
PLUCKY:
That's what _I'd_ like to know...
TEXAS BIX:
Not. And it's an even shorter time later, while Plucky is having
cactus needles extracted from his tongue, that Woody Paul made
what amounted to an obvious understatement:
WOODY:
Plucky, you just made a dangerous enemy.
PLUCKY:
You mean there's _another_ kind?
TEXAS BIX:
And it's an even _shorter_ shorter time later that Slocum made a
decision:
SLOCUM:
Any funding for our big and evil plans is gonna have to come
from the _outside_.
CHARLIE:
Whaddya expect it to do, Slocum, just kick in the door and _walk_
in?
TEXAS BIX:
So you can imagine these two moral morons's amazement when it
does exactly that!
(SFX: Door kicked in.)
SLOCUM:
Who are YOU?
MONTY:
Just call me your "outside financier"...and the name's MONTANA
MAX!
(Accordion sting)
TEXAS BIX:
And now, Episode 3 of The Toony Way, entitled, for reasons that
will soon become obvious...
"HEADED FOR A FALL"
(Music: A bright accordion arrangement of "Buttons and Bows")
As our saga resumes, The Toons and the Riders are busy putting their
purchases and supplies in the back of Honey Bunny's powder-blue
Chevy S-10 Blazer, when something a few doors down catches the eye
of the Sweetest Fembunny in All Toondom...
"Dere, is dat about everyt'ing?" Bugs asked, knowing full well
that once Honey Bunny got the urge to shop, it would take quite a
while for her to get over it.
"Ummm...not yet, Bugsy," Honey replied sweetly. "I've just
seen the most beautiful gingham dress in a shop down the street..."
"I mighta known," Bugs smiled. "An' ya just can't live wid'out
it, right?"
"Right, so, could you..."
"Surrender da plastic?" Bugs shrugged, and as had become his
habit as of late, handed over his Visa Gold card without so much
as a whimper. "Sure. Knock yerself out, kid."
A grateful Honey gave him another ultra-vapor lock kind of kiss
that only she was capable of. "Thank you, Bugsy. See ya!" And with
that, Honey dashed on down to Miss Molly Goodgolly's Small and
Incredibly Petite Shop. The Toons just shook their heads in quiet
amusement.
"Where'd she say she was going?" asked Babs.
"She's gonna try on that dress in the window," Buster replied.
Too Slim looked slightly puzzled. "Really? I always thought
she was more modest than that. Most women would try them on in a
dressing room..."
A wicked smile appeared on Buster's face. "Yes, _this_ is
the breakthrough we've been hoping for!" Babs and Mary Melody
just shook their heads disapprovingly.
"Boys," Babs muttered. "You can't live with 'em..."
"...and sometimes, that's just about enough," Mary added
playfully.
"Girls," Buster said to Slim. "You can't take 'em anywhere...
Slim? Slim?" But Too Slim wasn't listening. His attention was
focused on the man with the badge ambling good-naturedly up the
street.
"Hey, Ranger Doug, look's who's heading this way!" Slim said.
A broad smile of recognition appeared on the face of the Idol
of American Youth. "Well, if it isn't High-Sheriff Drywall! Howdy,
amigo!" Babs took one look at Tumbleweed Valley's crushing answer
to lawlessness and/or evil, jelly belly and sideburns and all,
and just couldn't help herself.
"Oh, NO!" she said in mock horror, "it's Elvis after he
discovered carbohydrates!"
"Watch it, Babs, he's got a gun," Buster whispered.
"Howdy, Ranger Doug," Drywall said, then, looking at the
assemblage of cartoon rabbits, asked, "...say, you got a permit
to walk your rabbits within the city limits?" Babs almost went
ballistic.
"WHAT??? Say, just who do you think you're..." A gentle
touch of a white cotton gloved paw on her shoulder, coupled
with an even gentler "Babs..." from Honey Bunny, who had
rejoined the gang just in time, put a quick stop to that. A
somewhat glazed look came over the small pink bunny, and her
angry expression was replaced with what can only be described
as a smile of sweet Christian charity. "Oh, okay," Babs smiled
sweetly. Then she shook her head and came out of whatever fog
she happened to be in. She stared at Buster. "I'll be darned...
she did it again! Buster..."
Buster shrugged. "Why is everybody asking _me_? _I_ didn't
know she could do this, honest!"
Ranger Doug returned the conversation to its' last known
sentence. "No, Sheriff, they're not _our_ rabbits, they're..."
"Well, then," Drywall said, "you'd better get 'em down to
the Tumbleweed City Animal Shelter right away. We can't have
loose rabbits roaming the streets..."
"Well! I've been called a lot of things, but I've _NEVER_
been called 'loose'," Honey replied in mock indignation.
A puzzled look arrived on the face of High Sheriff Drywall.
After a beat, he said, "...Ma'am?" Then he shook his head in
disbelief. "Hey, wait a minute! How come you can talk?"
Honey Bunny or no Honey Bunny, Babs had had just about enough of
this legal lunkhead.
"BECAUSE WE'RE _TOONS_, YOU FATHEAD!" the pink bunny yelled.
Drywall stared at her, dumbfounded. "...Ma'am?"
"They're cartoon characters, Drywall," Ranger Doug explained.
"These are Babs and Buster Bunny..."
Drywall shook Buster's paw eagerly. "Well, Howdy!"
Buster grinned. "Likewise! Say 'likewise,' Babsie."
"In a pig's eye," Babs glared.
Buster shrugged pleasantly. "Close enough."
"And the young lady is Mary Melody," The Ranger continued.
"Hi, Sheriff," Mary smiled, exchanging handshakes with Drywall.
"Well, yes, I am," Drywall replied.
Mary quickly corrected him, or, at least, tried to. "No, no, I
didn't say 'High Sheriff,' I said, 'Hi, Sheriff'..."
Drywall stared. "...Ma'am?"
Mary shook her head. "Forget I said anything."
Ranger Doug continued with the introductions. "The rabbit in
the gingham dress is Honey Bunny..."
"Ma'am," Drywall said.
"Charmed, I'm sure," Honey replied. "By the way, are you still
making records on the Skilsaw label?" An expression that was ten
times brighter than he was, which wasn't saying much, came over the
High Sheriff of Tumbleweed County.
"Wuh'll, HOT DOG! An honest-to-goodness FAN!!!" Drywall
exclaimed. A look of absolute despair came over the face of one
Barbara Anne "Babs" Bunny.
"Oh, NO," she whined, "don't tell me this guy makes records,
too..."
"Of course," Honey smiled. "I believe your two biggest hits
were 'Livin' In A Mobile Home' and 'You're Wearin' Out Your
Welcome, Matt,' right?"
"Why, that's right! Them suckers sold into three figures! I
got a few hundred extra copies back in my office, would ya like
some?" Almost immediately, Honey realized, almost too late, that
she had almost pushed her luck almost way too far...and now was
struggling to back out of this as gracefully as she could without
hurting the big lunkhead's feelings.
"No, no, one of each is enough!" she said, almost TOO eagerly.
Drywall looked puzzled. "Ma'am?"
Buster quickly came to her rescue. "What she means is, she
wouldn't want to deprive anybody else of getting their copies,"
he smiled. To Honey's great relief, Drywall seemed to accept this
explanation.
"Thanks, Buster," Honey whispered.
"Any time," Buster whispered back. Suddenly, a Brooklynish
Bronx-type voice interrupted the proceedings...a voice that was
becoming rapidly impatient.
"Hey, are we jus' about done, or are we gonna be here all da
livelong day?"
"Hey, we almost forgot this guy! High Sheriff Drywall, meet..."
Ranger Doug began. It was an intro he never got to finish.
"Hey, Hoss, you don't have to tell me who _this_ guy is! Why,
everybody on Earth knows him! An', well, sir, it'd be an honor
for me to shake your hand!"
"Oh, well, if ya must, ya must," Bugs said nonchalantly;
whereupon High Sheriff Drywall Paul proceeded to pump Bugs Bunny's
paws like a pumphandle, actually lifting him off the ground in
the process, much to the amusement of Toons and Riders alike.
"You know," Drywall beamed, "I was watching your cartoons when
I couldn't even add 2 and 2..."
Babs eyed him suspiciously. "When was this, last week?"
Honey lightly tapped Babs on the top of her head. "Put the
brakes on it," she whispered sweetly.
"Okay," Babs suddenly, and quite pleasantly, agreed. Then she
turned to Buster, who only mouthed "I don't know..."
"So, uh, _my_ cartoons convinced ya to go into law
enforcement? Dat's kinda hard ta believe," Bugs said, finally on
solid ground again.
"Oh, yes sir," Drywall replied. "An' it's a real honor ta
meet you, an' I hope you all enjoy your stay in Tumbleweed Valley."
"Oh, don't worry, we were..."
"Babs!" Honey whispered sharply.
"Well, I'd like to stay an' chew the fat, boys, but duty
calls," the Sheriff said.
"Wow," Slim said, grateful that he finally got a line in this
scene, "tracking down desperadoes?"
"Aw, nothin' _that_ excitin' today, Slim," Drywall said with
obvious disappointment. "Ol' Cash Arbitrage down at the First
Rational Bank wanted me to check on some missing property owners
for him. If I can't find' em before the end of th' month, the
bank'll claim 'em real cheap at auction."
"Well, good luck, Sheriff, if we can help in any way, please
don't hesitate to ask!" Ranger Doug volunteered.
"Well, thanks, Ranger Doug. It was nice meetin' all you..."
"Same here," Buster grinned. Drywall ambled on down the street
to his office good-naturedly, staring every once in a while at
his hands.
"Boy, I'll never wash these hands again," he chuckled loudly.
"Wait'll I tell all the guys down at the feed and tack store that
I shook hands with the one and only Crusader Rabbit!"
Friends, there is, in certain beliefs, a term called karma,
which literally translated, means "what goes around, comes
around." And right now, two-thirds of America's Favorite Cowboys,
who've been called every name but their own by America's Most
Famous Cartoon Rabbit, are struggling to keep from busting a
gut--along with the other Toons--at Drywall's innocent mistake...
and not doing a very good job of it. Bugs, however, just stares
forlornly at his two paws, which he holds up a few feet away
from his face.
"Crusader Rabbit?" he sighs, shaking his head. Finally, he
looks up at the Riders. "Eh, do youse guys t'ink day'd let me
back in dat diner kitchen?"
"Well, given that you're...(stifiling a giggle)...well-known,
I...(stifiling another giggle)...suppose so, Bugs," Ranger Doug
grinned. "What do you want to do?"
"I wanna go boil me hands," Bugs said forlornly, walking
back to Dottie's Diner.
(Music: Sinister accordion arrangement of "Someone's Got To
Do It")
Meanwhile, just a short distance away, in the dimly-lit
back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, two morally bankrupt and
totally reprehensible reprobates are about to enter into an
unholy alliance with someone who is even lower than they are...
"Now, let me get this straight," sneered Slocum, "your
name is Montana Max?"
"Right...as in 'MaxaMILLION', got it?" Monty sneered back.
"And you're hiring us to get rid of a rabbit?" Slocum
continued.
"You got it."
"And you're willing to pay big bucks for us to do this?"
"Right again."
"Heh-heh...look, kid, I don't know if you know this or not,
but you can go out to any desert with a slingshot and nail a
rabbit, I mean, they're all over the place," Slocum said.
"Not the rabbit _I_ want you to get," Montana Max barked.
"I want you to rub out...Bugs Bunny!"
Slocum's evil eyes narrowed and he stared at the pint-
sized multibillionaire. "Bugs Bunny? Say, you must take me for
an _idiot_!"
Monty didn't even bat an eye. "More or less, yeah. Anyway,
I tracked him here..."
"See, Boss," Charlie interrupted, "I _TOLD_ you I saw..."
Slocum turned angrily on his 300-pound doofus henchman.
"Charlie, if you mention Bugs Bunny again I'm going to staple
your lips to your ears, got it?" he shouted. Then turning his
attention back to Monty, he said in a condescending tone of
voice, "Look, kid, money or no money, I think you fell off the
same mountain Charlie keeps falling off of. I'm not gonna go
wasting my time chasing after some silly rabbit...especially
a _cartoon_ rabbit! Cartoon characters don't exist, got it?"
And that was when Charlie finally noticed there was something
_very_ out-of-the-ordinary about their potential "financier."
"Hey, Boss, take a good look at this guy..."
"What for, Charlie, you seen _one_ cartoon charac..." Then
Slocum almost choked on his words as realization struck him in
a most unexpected way. "Hey! Wait a minute! You're...you're..."
"Yeah, I'm a Toon! So what?" Monty barked, waving the big
bankroll in front of them. "The MONEY'S real enough!"
"And it's also wired," Slocum said suspiciously.
"Details, details, why do they always bother me with details?"
grumbled Monty. "You wanna take the job or don't you?"
Slocum briefly considered the question. Very briefly. "Look,
Monty..." The rich pint-sized spoiled brat flew into a rage.
"Don't CALL me that! I HATE that!"
Slocum sneered with a snake-oil-salesman smile on his face.
"My, my, aren't WE touchy, Monty? Heh-heh-heh-heh..."
Monty simply smiled an evil smile, and casually tossed the
hotwired bankroll in Slocum's direction. "Here, catch."
Which Slocum, like an idiot, did. And he was promptly
rewarded for his quick reflexes with several thousand volts.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWCCCCHHH!!!
Why, you little..." In his anger, of course, Slocum forgot two
important little details: 1, that he was still holding the
hotwired bankroll, and 2, that Monty casually had the control
still in his hand. Calmly, and without much fanfare, he pressed
a little button on the little device and sent several thousand
_more_ volts through A. Swinbourne Slocum.
"...(ZAP)...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY
OOOOOOOOWWWCCHH!!!"
In desperation, The Prince of Villains turned for help to his big
doofus henchman. "Charlie, you IDIOT! DO something...(ZAP)...
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWCCCCHHH!!!"
"I _am_, Boss," Charlie said, holding his sides, "I'm laughin'
my _head_ off! Heh...heh-heh...heh-heh-heh..."
Monty grinned. "Had enough, Slocum?" he asked, fingering the
little control box. The fact that Slocum finally wised up and
dropped the battery-powered bankroll was an indication that, yes,
he had.
"Yeah, yeah...all right, _Mr._ Montana Max! Now, WHY do you
want Bugs Bunny out of the way?"
"Because he's got something that I want."
"And that is...?" Slocum asked, semi-curious.
"The location of the Lost Rabbit Mine! It's the richest silver
and gold strike ever made in this country...and I_ WANT_ it!"
"And you want _us_ to go after him? Why don't you do your
_own_ dirty work?" It was a rare occasion when Slocum asked a
question like that, and Montana Max had a ready answer.
"Because I can't be connected with anything that happens to
him in any way! I need someone to take the fall...I mean, the
_risk_ for me, just in case something goes wrong," Monty lied.
"Sounds like you had it right the first time," Slocum said
under his breath, he being no stranger to fishy-sounding alibis
himself. "Tell me, what makes you think the mine's here?"
"Because I tracked him to this godforsaken spot. How is not
important. He's been hanging around here all day, and he wouldn't
stick around this place this long if it wasn't! He thinks he's
being clever, trying to throw me off his trail, but I'm not THAT
dumb!"
"And you think we are?" Charlie began.
"Shut up, Charlie! Look, Max, heh-heh, this sounds like it's
a _personal_ problem! Find yourself some other patsies! I got
problems of my own I need to deal with..."
"Such as?"
"How to get rid of three yodeling yahoos called Riders In
The Sky, THAT'S 'such as,' if you _must_..." And it was at that
point that Charlie finally blurted out what he'd been trying to
tell Slocum for the past half-hour.
"Boss! Bugs Bunny was WITH Riders In The Sky!"
Slocum turned and glared at his large partner in crime.
"WHAT??? Charlie, you INCREDIBLE IDIOT!!! _WHY_ didn't you
TELL me this sooner?" The big muscle-bound (in both arms and head)
doofus growled and picked Slocum up by his polyester lapels.
"Because YOU wouldn't LET me, Slocum!" It was at times like
this that Slocum wondered why he'd ever teamed up with a guy
that could easily flatten him like a pancake; then he remembered
how easy it was to flummox this guy. That's why they call him a
doofus; for although Charlie is big, and strong, he still has a
brain the size of a peanut. And it was also at times like this
that Slocum knew when to lay it on thicker than road tar on a
fresh slab of asphalt...which he did.
"Whoa, Charlie, heh-heh, didn't I? Well, stupid old me,
heh-heh...say, that makes a difference, doesn't it? Heh-heh...
you can put me down now, Charlie, heh-heh..." And, of course,
being a doofus, Charlie did as he was told, although he wasn't
too happy about it. Taking a deep breath, now that he was back
on solid barroom floor, Slocum turned his attention back to
Montana Max, who had been impatiently waiting for them to return
their attention to him. "Say, if that offer still stands, heh-heh,
maybe we CAN do business together and get rid of BOTH of our
problems at the same time! Of course," Slocum added, "we don't
work cheap, heh-heh-heh..."
"I didn't think you _did_." Monty looked disapprovingly at
the dingy bar. "You guys must really save a lot on overhead..."
Then, scowling at Slocum's outfit, he added "...and wardrobe."
"Polyester'll come back! It always does!" Slocum snapped
defensively.
"So do cold sores," Monty sneered, then looked quizzically
at the backside of Charlie. "You always announce your departures?"
"Huh?" Then Charlie caught sight of himself in the barroom
mirror, and the curious orange bumper sticker slapped across the
seat of his jeans. "What the...? Hey, Slocum, get that thing off
me!"
"Sure, sure," Slocum said, chuckling as he read the bumper
sticker. "Wide Load...that's you, all right, Charlie, heh-heh!"
He quickly yanked the sticker off, then noticed something unusual,
even for an orange bumper sticker. "Hey, there's a green feather
stuck to this thing. You been to a Jimmy Buffet show recently?"
"Don't be funny, Slo...heyyyyyyy...GREEN FEATHER?" Charlie
growled, then yanked the sticker and feather from Slocum. "Why,
that little...if I ever see that stupid little duck again, he's
gonna be history!"
Monty raised a scurrilous eyebrow. "Did you say 'green duck'?
By any chance, was he in the company of a pair of bunnies?"
"Well, yeah," Charlie growled, "a pink one and a blue one, why?"
Monty rubbed his hands eagerly. "Heh-heh-heh, this could turn
out better than I'd hoped...if I can figure out a way to get rid of
them _and_ Bugs Bunny too...then there'd be nothing to stand in my
way of taking over Acme Acres!" He turned quickly to Slocum. "You
got any copies of all your so-called big and evil plans around here?"
"Why, sure I do," Slocum sneered.
"Well, get rid of them. The last thing you wanta do is leave
evidence in writing. Have that big doofus do it...but only get rid
of the ones that didn't work, and keep the ones that might stand a
chance with a little reworking. Get busy! I'll be back later!" And
with that, Monty snuck quietly out of the Dry Gulch Saloon.
"Hey, Boss, who died and made him boss?" Charlie wondered.
"Several presidents whose pictures adorn large denominations of
money, _that's_ who! Anyway, get rid of all this stuff. I don't
care how you do it, either. I gotta go through the rest of these
files," Slocum said with an evil leer.
"Riiiigggghhht," Charlie growled in response. "I'll take 'em to
river and drop 'em in, that oughta do it...say, you want that bottle
on the bar to go, too?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Charlie, that stuff's no good anyway. Oh,
by the way, Charlie..._which_ river you gonna dump 'em in?"
Charlie though for a moment, then laughed evilly. "I've got it,
Slocum. I'll heave 'em right into the old Joan Rivers!"
Slocum laughed along with his henchman. "The Joan Rivers! That's
the river with the biggest mouth in all of Tumbleweed County! Heh-
heh-heh, that's perfect, Charlie! Just make sure nobody sees you...
you don't want to get a ticket for being a litterbug, heh-heh-heh..."
"Riiiiiggggghhhhht," Charlie agreed, gathering up the files, and
the bottle of Crumbumbium, and slinking out the door. "Maybe I'll run
into that stupid green duck while I'm at it...I don't think even a
duck could survive five minutes in the Joan Rivers! Heh...heh-heh...
heh-heh-heh..."
But little did Charlie know that the green duck he was thinking
of was even now getting his bearings back, after the cactus gum/
lemonade incident, and was heading out the door of Miller-Morton's
Mercantile...and heading into disaster...
"I'm gonna get me some fresh air, Woody," Plucky said.
"You go right ahead, Plucky, you're starting to look a little
green," Woody Paul kidded.
"Ha, ha, very funny," Plucky grumbled, as he stepped out the
door, and ran smack into a 300-pound doofus, knocking them both
over. "Hey, you big jerk, why don't you wacth where I'm going...
URK!!!"
It was at that time that Plucky wisely high-tailed out of Charlie's
way at a speed that amazed even him, yelling at the top of his lungs:
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Unfortunately, that got Charlie's attention, and forgetting his assigned
task of getting rid of Slocum's unworkable big and evil plans, the big
doofus took off after Plucky.
Meanwhile, Ranger Doug, Too Slim and the rest of the Toons decided
to make one more shopping trip. Since Honey had maxed out Bugs's credit
card for the day, and since she didn't see anything else that she thought
she wanted to buy, she decided to wait patiently by her truck for the
gang to return. She hummed a gentle song to herself, unaware of what was
about to happen next, as Plucky rounded a corner and headed straight for
the safest refuge he could find, Charlie hot on his heels!
"Come back here, you little twirp!" Charlie bellowed. "I'm gonna make
a _feather_duster_ out of you!"
Neighbors, it's well-known what we think around these parts of folks
who hide behind a woman's skirt. We even have a _name_ for 'em. We call
'em "cowards." But _what_, pray tell, is the classification for someone
who hides _under_ a woman's skirt? Well, friends, for lack of a better
term, we'll simply call him "Plucky," for indeed, that is his name, as he
makes a beeline straight for the nearest cover he can find, which just
happens to be Honey Bunny's brand-new gingham dress with the ankle-length
skirt, which at that moment Honey happened to be wearing! Plucky swooped
under the skirt and clung tightly to Honey's left thigh. This, needless
to say, does not exactly meet with Honey's approval.
"What th--?" she asked, slightly bewildered; then, looking down, she
sternly added, "Plucky, get out of there, right now..." She would have
said a lot more, except that a large, dark shadow suddenly loomed over
the petite fembunny. Honey slowly raised her head and found herself
looking right into the evil face of a determined doofus. "Huh?" she asked
hesitantly.
Charlie glared at her. "Shaddup, rabbit, you got somethin' I want!"
he growled, as he suddenly and without warning, thrust his large hand
under Honey's dress in an attempt to find Plucky.
Now, friends, put yourself in this situation: You're just coming out
of a local store, and you see the sight I just described. Now, if you
didn't _know_ that all Charlie was looking for was a duck, well, then,
naturally you just might assume the worst was happening. And if you're
any type of hero, and you come across the sight I just mentioned, well,
then, naturally you'd just want to _do_ something about that. And _if_
your name happens to be Buster Bunny, well, then, you not only _want_
to do something about it, you just _do_ it. And so he does, as he sneaks
up behind Charlie, cracks a walnut and sticks an index finger in Charlie's
back. Since Charlie can't see this, of course, the effect makes him just
a trifle nervous.
"CLICK."
Charlie suddenly stopped his frantic groping for Plucky. "_Uh_-
ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh..." he said slowly. Buster immediately went to
work.
"Unless you want to have memories of waving goodbye," the blue bunny
drawled menacingly, "you'll take your hand outta there...or else."
"But...but...I'm just looking for..." Charlie protested, but his
attempt to explain what he was doing fell on deaf, uninterested blue ears.
"I _KNOW_ what you're looking for, and frankly, I think it's just
DISGUSTING!" Buster affirmed. By this time a small, but growing, crowd
was gathering. It was also at this moment that Babs and Mary emerged
from Miss Molly Goodgolly's shop, saw this bizarre sight, and decided to
help by running up to Charley and kicking him in the shins. Hard.
"What do you think you're doing, you prevert?" Babs yelled.
"Ow! Hey! Cut it out!" Charlie protested. "I'm just looking for a..."
"We _KNOW_ what you're looking for, bub, and frankly it makes us just
want to puke!" Mary yelled. Then she stopped for a moment, looked at
Babs, and said, "Did I just say that?"
"You did," Babs replied. Then the girls, resplendent in their new
cowgirl boots with the sharp, pointed toes, resumed kicking Charlie.
Needless to say, the ensuing commotion, not mention Charlie's howls of
increasing pain, do not go unnoticed by the finely-tuned ears of two-
thirds of America's Favorite Cowboys, who are getting the last of their
supplies for Famed Old Harmony Ranch.
"Hey, Ranger Doug, that sounds like quite a commotion out there,"
said Too Slim. "What do you think it is?"
"I don't know, Slim, but I don't _have_ to know. Let's find out."
And so, Ranger Doug and Too Slim stepped outside to see what was going
on.
Now, neighbors, if you've been brought up to believe that the defense
of Western Women, be they people or rabbits, is a proper thing to do,
and that virtue should always triumph over villainy, and that no bad deed
should ever go unchallenged, and IF you're The Idol of American Youth,
and the first thing you see when you step outside is...well, you know...
well, then, naturally, you not only _want_ to do something about it,
but it's your _DUTY_ to do something about it! And as well we know, there
is just no greater paragon of virtue in Tumbleweed Valley, or anywhere
else, for that matter, than Ranger Doug! And so, it's only a few short
seconds later (although for Honey it seems like an eternity), that a
big, hulking, 300-pound doofus with his hand up a rabbit's skirt who's
really only looking for a duck, hears...
"CLICK."
"_Uh_-ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Charlie groaned. "Not again!"
"Unless you want to have nothing but memories of finger-painting,"
Ranger Doug said coolly, "you'll take those hands out from where they
don't belong...now." To emphasize his point, Ranger Doug pressed the barrel
of his six-shooter into the back of Charlie's head.
"It's _NOT_ what you guys are thinking," Charlie protested; but the
evidence of their eyes convinced both Riders and Toons, not to mention
an even curiouser crowd, that there just wasn't gonna be any way Charlie
was gonna be able to talk his way out of this one. "I'm only looking for..."
"We _KNOW_ what you're looking for," Slim asserted, "and frankly, we're
steamed! Hmph!"
Buster looked up casually at the silver-haired bass player. "That's
tellin' him, Slim," the blue bunny quipped sarcastically.
"I'm just looking for a duck," Charlie pleaded.
"Hah! A _LIKELY_ story!" Ranger Doug said emphatically. "Why don't I
believe you?"
Now, friends and neighbors, let me recap this scene for you just in
case you had to leave the room. Plucky is hiding under the ankle-length
gingham skirt of Honey Bunny. Charlie knows Plucky is hiding there and
is attempting to remove him. The Toons and the Riders see this, and not
knowing a duck is hiding under there, naturally assume Charlie has become
even more depraved than usual. It is just about this time, his hands
having been boiled to remove every known trace of shaking hands with
Sheriff Drywall, that Bugs Bunny happens upon this scene. "Well, it
stang a little, but it was woith it," Bugs said to himself. "Crusader
Rabbit, my Aunt Fan--" Then, Bugs comes upon the bizarre sight that you
all know by now. "SPROINNNNNGGGGG!!!" said Bugs. Now, neighbors, if
you're The Most Famous Cartoon Rabbit in America, and you see some
lowlife doofus apparently taking liberties with your new bride, well,
you'd do what Bugs did...carefully sneaking up behind Charlie...and
then walloping him with a large cartoon mallet.
"OW!!!" was the last conscious thought Charlie had that day as he
slumped to the ground, holding his head, while Ranger Doug and Too Slim
kept their shiny six-shooters aimed squarely at him.
"You okay, Hon?" Bugs asked as he embraced his blushing bride.
"I...I think so, Bugsy..."
"He didn't hoit ya or nothin'?"
"No, Bugsy, but I am rather embarrassed by all this. I just want to
get back to the ranch." All of a sudden, Sheriff Drywall made his way
through the cheering crowd, who were happy to see Charlie get what was
coming to him, even though he was only looking for a duck.
"All right," Drywall drawled, "stand aside, let me through, let me..."
Then Drywall's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "What in Blue Blazes
is going on here?"
"It's simple enough, Sheriff," Ranger Doug explained. "Charlie was...
well, that is, he was..." Looking quickly at Honey, and feeling rather
uncomfortable about the whole thing, said, "There are some things a
gentleman just never discusses in the presence of a lady."
But Bugs was not quite so discreet. "Dis big doofus had his grimy
meathooks under my goil's skoit. Lock him up."
Drywall turned toward the Riders and the Toons. "Is that right?"
"Yeah," Buster said grimly. "He _claimed_ he was looking for a
duck."
"Is that right?" Drywall asked the crowd.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," the crowd answered in unison. Drywall then
turned his attention to Honey.
"It's really up to you, ma'am, as the offended party, you have the
right to press charges."
Honey considered this for a moment. "Ummm, if it's all the same to
everybody, I'd just as soon forget the whole thing ever happened. After
all, he _was_ only looking for a duck."
"WHAT?" everybody asked in unison.
"You heard me," Honey said simply. "Okay, Plucky, you can come out
now, Charlie's not gonna bother you for some time...ARE you, Charlie?"
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...." Charlie groaned. Taking a quick
peek from the hem of Honey's dress and seeing the big doofus down on the
ground, Plucky breathed a sigh of relief and boldly came out from his hiding
place, and began walking to where he lay.
"THAT'LL teach you to..." Plucky started to say, when Buster tapped
him on the shoulder.
"Pluckster," Buster said, "don't push whatever's left of your luck."
"Well, whaddya know? Da big joik wasn't kiddin'!" Bugs said with
some astonishment. At that moment, Woody Paul finally happened upon the
scene.
"Ranger Doug," Woody said, almost out of breath, "we got trouble!
Charlie's back in town, and..." Then he looked to where everyone was
calmly pointing. "Oh...so you know already."
"We know," The Ranger replied. "And we also know that wherever
Charlie is, Slocum can't be far behind!"
"Slocum?" Buster asked. "That sounds like somethin' you'd wanna
wash off your hands!" Then adopting a childish persona, he turned
toward Babs. "Oh, Mother Dear, may I go out to play?"
"Not until you wash your hands! You've got SLOCUM on them!" Babs
replied in a Motherly-type voice. Buster took one look at his paws
and screamed a high-decibel scream.
Ranger Doug and Slim laughed momentarily, then stopped. "You don't
know how right you are, Buster," Ranger Doug said.
"What is a 'Slocum', anyway?" asked Babs.
Slim sighed. "'Slocum' isn't a 'what,' Babs, he's...he's...he's
evil on two legs in wing-tip shoes and a polyester-serge suit. He's
the lowest of the low, he loves money, and hates everything else!"
"So, eh, don't hold back, whaddya _really_ t'ink of dis guy?"
Bugs asked nonchalantly.
"Let's put it this way," said Ranger Doug, "he isn't anybody you
want to mess with...not even as a joke." The Toons considered this
for a moment.
"Are you kidding? Bring him on, dealing with jerks happens to be
our specialty!" Plucky boasted. It was at this point that Bugs and
Buster suddenly picked Plucky up and threw him bodily into the back
of Honey's truck before his big yap got him into any more trouble.
"Can we please go back to the ranch?" Honey asked plaintively.
"I'd like to get in a nice afternoon of horseback riding before it
gets dark, and there's some wonderful scenery I saw on the way into
town that I'd like to explore..."
"Sounds like a good idea. Maybe Side Meat's got lunch ready by
now," Too Slim agreed.
"Well, in that case, maybe we oughta just stay in town for the
rest of the day," grumbled Woody.
Mary looked up quizzically at the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers,
the fringe on his tastefully-decorated Western shirt with the double-
inverted horseshoes above each shoulder moving with the slight breeze
that had just come up. "Is his cooking really that bad?"
"Well, let me put it _this_ way, Mary...it ain't _good_," Woody
Paul replied. For some reason, everybody in the crowd was quick to
agree.
"In that case, we'll have lunch at Dottie's, and then head back
to the ranch. Then Honey, you can freshen up and get in a full
afternoon of riding. They have some great horse trails around here,
especially by the old Lloyd bridges," Ranger Doug said, sounding
like the Tumbleweed County Chamber of Commerce Representative
(which he was in his free time).
Plucky looked puzzled. "Lloyd Bridges? What's HE doing in this
story?"
"No, no," corrected Slim, "_The_ Lloyd bridges. It's a pair of
concrete and steel bridges that span the mighty Joan rivers."
Babs eyed him warily. "Joan Rivers?"
Slim was, however, already ahead of her. "No, Babs, _The_ Joan
Rivers...it's the river with the biggest mouth in all of Tumbleweed
County!"
"We _guessed_ that," Buster kidded as the gang piled into Honey's
powder-blue Chevy Blazer, and the Riders mounted their horses and
headed back to Harmony Ranch. Everyone else lost interest in the big
hulking doofus, who was only now coming back to what, for him, came
something close to, but not quite, total consciousness. It was then
that Charlie became aware of someone standing over him. Someone short,
evil, in a polyester-serge suit and pencil-thin mustache...with a
load of papers and a small, clear glass bottle marked "Crumbumbium"
in his hands. He unceremoniously dropped them on Charlie's gut.
"I send you out to do something, and I find you laying down on
the job!" sneered Slocum. "I told you to get rid of this stuff!"
"Ow...not so loud, Slocum, my head feels like it was hit with...
with..." Charlie grabbed his still-throbbing head.
"With what?"
"I dunno, Slocum, I can't describe it, it felt like...like a...
like a big cartoon wooden mallet!"
Slocum shook his head disapporovingly. "I never thought _you'd_
be one to go tie one on this early in the day, heh-heh-heh...now get
going, Charlie! We're just lucky that Drywall or those goody-good
Nitwits In The Sky didn't come upon this stuff!" As Charlie sat up
and gathered the documents in his hands, he looked at the small glass
bottle.
"Hey, Slocum, what _DID_ we ever get this stuff for?"
"I don't know and I can't remember. Obviously, though, it's been
sitting around for years...just get rid of it, okay?"
"Okay, okay," grumbled Charlie, as he headed to the back of the
Dry Gulch Saloon and mounted his horse. "Come on, Bluto, we've got
dirty work to do, heh...heh-heh...heh-heh-heh..."
And so, Charlie rides off to do some dirty work, all the while
hoping that somehow, before the day is through, he'll cross paths
with those cartoon characters that he encountered that afternoon...
especially a certain silly green duck. Charlie doesn't know it, of
course, but he'll get his wish...much sooner than he--or _they_--
expect...
Meanwhile, back at Famed Old Harmony Ranch, things are about to
become less than harmonious for a certain gray-and-white fembunny,
who thought she'd already been through enough for one afternoon. It
seems that Honey Bunny has made the mistake of trying to tell Side
Meat how he could improve his cooking...and now, Side Meat is about
to demonstrate why that is not such a good idea...
"Now, th' first thing ya gotta understand about cookin' here in
my kitchen..." Side Meat began.
Honey smiled sweetly. "Yes?"
Side Meat wasted no time. "Th' _first_ thing you gotta learn is...
NO WIMMIN IN MY DOGGONE KITCHEN!!! PERIOD!!!" And
before Honey could get out of the way, and to demonstrate who was
boss in the culinary arts at Harmony Ranch, Side Meat began flinging
biscuits at the very surprised fembunny.
"What th--OW! HEY! That HURT!" Honey yelled.
"Good! Have some more!" Side Meat yelled back, flinging more
biscuits at the poor fembunny with uncanny accuracy, each one hitting
their mark, which was the back of Honey's head. She ran out of the
kitchen as fast as her big feet would carry her, screaming for help
as loud as she could.
"HELP!!! BUGS! BUSTER!! RANGER DOUG!!!" Honey's screams
echoed across Famed Old Harmony Ranch, and immediately caught the
ears of the folks she had just named. Quickly, they ran to her aid, and
were somewhat surprised to see the Sweetest Fembunny In All Toondom
dodging biscuits right and left. "BUGSY! HELP!! OW!!! SIDE MEAT,
STOP THAT!!! OW!!!" Just as quickly, Side Meat came out the front
door of the main ranch house, an armload of biscuits at the ready,
when he suddenly came to a stop in front of Ranger Doug, who was
less than pleased with the crusty old camp cook.
"And just _what_ did you think you were going to do with those?"
The Ranger said, his arms folded, a stern expression on his face.
Side Meat hemmed and hawed for a bit.
"Well, I was a-gonna...well, that is...ohhhh, mwah-whew! I was
goin' to..." He finally shrugged, because he knew it was pointless
to try to make a lame excuse to The Idol of American Youth. Taking
a deep breath, Side Meat looked Ranger Doug straight in the eyes
and said, "I was...flingin' these biscuits at that rabbit..."
"You were," Ranger Doug said.
"Yes, I were...I mean, was," Side Meat admitted.
"Mind telling us why?" Buster asked, as Honey sought and got the
safe assurance of Bugs's embrace.
"You okay, Baby Doll?" Bugs asked his bride.
Honey rubbed the back of her head. "I'm not sure, Bugsy...those
things hurt!" Bugs then looked sternly at Side Meat.
"You better have a good reason for doin' dis to my goil," he
told him.
"Well..." Side Meat began.
"Not good enough!" Bugs yelled, grabbing the biscuits from Side
Meat's arms and flinging them back at him. It made for quite a
comical sight, a crusty old camp cook being pelted with his own
weapons of mass destruction--namely, his biscuits--and being chased
around Famed Old Harmony Ranch by Bugs Bunny. Finally, though, Side
Meat surrendered, which was just as well, because Bugs had run out of
biscuits. As Woody Paul and Too Slim came on the scene just in time
to pick up the biscuits that were all over the place, Buster and
Bugs turned toward Ranger Doug.
"Say, Cowboy Dan," Bugs said.
"That's Ranger Doug," The Ranger replied.
Bugs merely shrugged. "Eh, okay, if dat's da story you wanna
stick wit', yer writin' yer own ticket..." Buster picked up one of
the biscuits at his feet and was surprised at how heavy they were.
"Hey, no wonder Honey was calling for help! These things aren't
light, are they?" the blue bunny asked. The Riders regrouped beside
the bunnies.
"No, they're not," Ranger Doug agreed. "In fact, Buster, Side
Meat's biscuits are..."
(MUSIC: ACCORDION STING)
RIDERS IN THE SKY:
(In unison) "...THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO MAN!!!"
At this point, Honey rejoined them, having changed into her blue
jeans, pink blouse and cowbunny hat. "You can say _that_ again, guys."
"Oh, okay," Slim said, and before they could be stopped, The
Riders said...
(MUSIC: ACCORDION STING)
RIDERS IN THE SKY:
(In unison) "...THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE KNOWN..."
"Okay, we get da idea!" Bugs snapped. By this time, Mary and
Plucky had joined the little group.
"Hey, Buster, what was all that commotion?" asked Mary.
"Yeah, did we miss anything?" Plucky inquired.
Buster exchanged looks with Bugs and The Riders, who all shrugged
slightly. "Ummm...yes and no," he finally said.
"Honey, I think for your own safety, you'd better steer clear of
Side Meat for a while," Ranger Doug advised.
"Yeah," added Woody. "Like, for the length of your stay..."
"Especially while he's still able to...ahem...cook," said Slim.
Slim's thoughts were interrupted by another commotion inside the
main ranchhouse. "What in the...?"
"It sounds like World War III's goin' on in there!" exclaimed
Woody. Suddenly the air was shattered with a piercing scream.
"OW!!! BUSTER!!!" The blue bunny's ears perked up immediately.
"That's Babs! Come on!" But before Buster and the gang could
come to her aid, Babs met them running out the door, a cranky old
camp cook right behind her, carrying an armload of biscuits.
"Oh, not again!" cried Honey, as a biscuit knocked Babs down.
The gang rushed to her side, and she looked up dazedly at Buster.
"You know..." Babs said in mock theatrics, "...you never see
the biscuit with your name on it..." Then she threw her head back,
crossed her eyes and let her tongue hang out of the left side of
her mouth. Buster looked sternly at Side Meat.
"Okay, you," he said determinedly, "now it's person...OW!"
Buster dropped to the ground as another biscuit found its mark.
Shaking his head, he picked up the offending pastry and was about
to fling it back at Side Meat when he took a good look at it.
"Well, whaddya know," he finally said, "Babs was right! You never
see the biscuit with...hey, there's not supposed to be two S's in
Buster!"
By now, though, Ranger Doug had seen enough. "Side Meat, get
back in the kitchen! And _don't_ throw any more biscuits again!
You could knock someone senseless with those lead-lined hockey
pucks!"
The old "sidekick's sidekick" turned and ambled slowly back
into the ranchhouse. "Well, with cartoon characters, who's gonna
know th' diff'rence," he grumbled, closing the door behind him.
The Riders turned to the Toons with slightly weary expressions.
"Guys, we're really sorry about this," Ranger Doug said, "I
really don't know what got into him, he usually doesn't act like
that."
"Yeah," agreed Too Slim. "Sometime's he's even worse..."
"You caught him on one of his good days," added Woody Paul.
Bugs pulled out a pocket watch from one of those "built-in"
pockets that all toons seem to have, and studied it intently.
"Hmmm...ya know, dere's a stage leavin' for Tuscon in about
15 minutes...see if ya can arrange for him ta be _under_ it," he
quipped dryly. Meanwhile, Honey had calmly regathered her wits
and was checking her horse trailer.
"I think, for my own safety, that Ranger Doug is right," she
said softly. "I hadn't planned on going riding _this_ early in
the afternoon, but under the circumstances, it might not be a
bad idea...anybody want to come along?"
Bugs immediately got the Toons in a huddle. "Kids, dat's just
what I was gonna suggest. You don't mind keepin' an eye on her,
do ya? I mean, after all dat's happened so far, I'd hate like heck
ta have anyt'ing _else_ happen to her..."
Buster smiled. "Sure, we'll keep an eye on her. No problemo!"
"You can count on us, Bugs," Babs agreed, "we won't let anything
happen to her!"
"They haven't built the biscuit that can get by me," Mary said
with a determined look on her pretty face.
Plucky threw up his hands in disgust. "Oh, for corn's sake!
She's only gonna go horseback riding! But if it makes you happy,
I'll protect your precious main squeeze."
Bugs regarded the silly green duck casually. "Eh...t'anks,
duck...but I could hope for more protection then _dat_..."
And so, Honey Bunny and the Tiny Toons pile into her powder-blue
Blazer with matching horse trailer, and head off to an afternoon of
what they hope will be some peaceful horseback riding, unaware of
the danger that awaits them...a danger that even now has just arrived
at the Lloyd bridges with an armload of useless big and evil plans
...and a small, seemingly insignificant clear glass bottle...
"Here ya go, over the side," Charlie growled as he dumped the
papers over the side of one of the dual concrete bridges into the
rapid rushing waters of the Joan Rivers. He watched intently as
the mighty waters, some 2000 feet below, swallowed up the papers
and swiftly swept them away, down the river, around a bend, and out
of sight, never to be seen again. Satisfied, Charlie stuck his hands
in his pockets and started back to his horse when he suddenly felt
that small glass bottle. "Uh-oh," Charlie thought to himself, "I
forgot about this..." He pulled out the bottle, looked at the faded
yellow label, and wondered some more. "Hmmm...'Crumbumbium'...why
would anybody name anything 'Crumbumbium'? Oh, well, Slocum said
the stuff wasn't any good, so, over the side with..." But just then,
the sound of an approaching vehicle made Charlie drop the bottle,
where it shattered at his feet. "Oops, wasn't s'posed to do that,"
he thought. Then, realizing that there might be witnesses coming up
the road leading up to the twin bridges, Charlie quickly ran and
hid behind a nearby bush where he had tied his horse. And it was a
good thing for Charlie that he got off that bridge when he did, for
what Charlie didn't know, and what the folks coming up the road
couldn't possibly suspect, is the secret of Crumbumbium. For although
Crumbumbium is tasteless, odorless, and colorless, it is, nonetheless,
_quite_ dangerous...for Crumbumbium does only _one_ thing...and does
it _very_ well indeed...and that is why it's called "Crumbumbium" to
begin with: it causes any stone, brick, masonry or concrete surface
it happens to come in contact with to _crumble_ and disintegrate
into a fine, powdery substance within 10 seconds of application, if
more than 8 pounds total pressure is put on it! And the longer it
stays in the bottle, the _stronger_ the stuff gets! And that bottle
of Crumbumbium had remained unopened in Slocum's files for _TWELVE_
_YEARS_!!! So it was just pure luck that Charlie happened to get
off that bridge when he did. From his hiding place behind the bush,
Charlie watched as the powder-blue Chevy pulled to a stop, and a
familiar-looking bunch of cartoon characters got out. He waited as
Honey Bunny went back to the horse trailer and brought out her
beuatiful, proportionately-sized young Palomino mare, and the Toons
got out their pocket cameras and started taking pictures...all but
Plucky, who could've cared less. Charlie glared to see that silly
green duck, and reached into his pocket for another stick of Cactus
gum. He wadded up the wrapper and threw it over his shoulder and
slowly chewed the cactus needle-filled gum, waiting for an opportunity
to get at him once and for all. This, of course, is something that
the Toons are completely unaware of. They were too busy taking
pictures of the wonderful Western scenery.
"You know, this is such wonderful Western scenery," Mary said,
snapping pictures right and left.
"Sure is," Babs agreed. Then, she saw something that made her
frown. Quickly, she took a picture of it. "Can you believe there'd
be litterbugs out here?"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" Buster asked. Then he saw
where Babs was pointing to. "Whoa! Now, who dropped a bottle and
didn't clean it up?" Then, because he _was_, after all, a member
in good standing of The Bunny Scouts, Buster headed back to Honey's
Chevy just as Honey was securing her horse's saddle. "You wouldn't
happen to have a whisk broom and a small litter bag in there, would
you?" he asked.
"Glove compartment," Honey grinned, then mounted her horse
named Goldengirl, and quickly they headed for the bridge.
Buster looked up from his search for the broom and litter bag
and started to yell after her, "Honey! Wait! There's some broken..."
But Honey had already reached the bridge and was halfway across in
a full gallop when the unthinkable occured...
Now, it behooves me to point out for those unacquainted with
the finer points of toon physics that, being cartoon characters to
begin with, in _their_ world, they really don't carry very much
actual physical weight. Once they cross the border into reality,
however, then they actually do carry a certain amount of physical
weight. It's just simple physics. But even at her full weight,
Honey Bunny only weighs 5 and a half pounds, certainly not enough
to activate a Crumbumbium-soaked surface. Honey's horse, however,
for reasons that I don't have time to go into here and couldn't
even _begin_ to explain adequately, is a very _real_ horse...and
as anyone who's ever had a horse step on his or her foot will tell
you, real horses--even ones as small as Goldengirl--weigh a whole
lot more than 8 pounds! So it is that Honey and Goldengirl get
no more than halfway across the Crumbumbium-soaked half of the
Lloyd bridges than...
The sudden terrified scream gets the attention of the Tiny
Toons, who can only watch in stunned horror as the bridge, without
any prior warning, gives way and crumbles under the weight of the
small Palomino! Honey and Goldengirl tumble end over end helplessly,
2000 feet below and into the powerful rushing waters of the mighty
Joan Rivers! The sudden impact knocks Goldengirl unconscious, and
the force of the river sweeps the poor horse away and out of sight
of the Toons. Honey is likewise stunned by the impact, and sinks
below the water's surface. The Toons, horrified, are frozen where
they stand, unable to help. Even Plucky is rendered speechless.
Nobody says anything for several minutes. The only sound is that
of the mighty river.
Then suddenly, as though it were a scene in a bad John Carpenter
movie, Honey Bunny's head dramatically breaks the surface of the
water! She's stunned, disoriented, but is rapidly becoming aware
of one undeniable fact: she is in a whole lot of trouble!
"Oh my gosh! Somebody _do_ something!" Babs shrieked.
"_What_ would you suggest?" Plucky asked sharply.
Buster and Mary watched as the rapid rushing river bounced poor
Honey around like a bathtub toy. Even though she was an Olympic-
caliber swimmer, Honey had never swam in anything bigger than
the Acme Looniversity swimming pool. In moving water, however, she
was clearly out of her element. The Toons were so intent on paying
attention to Honey that none of them noticed a 300-pound doofus
get on a horse and ride away...
"Buster! How are we going to save her?" Mary asked, clearly
frightened.
"That's just it, Mar, we _can't_! It's gotta be at least 2000
feet down to the river, and even if any of us could get down there,
we'd never reach her in time! But I know she can't possibly last
much longer the way that river's battin' her around..." Then, a
bright idea came to Buster. Okay, maybe it wasn't so bright; in
fact, it was darn close to desperate; but it was better than not
doing anything at all. Quickly, he turned to Plucky. "Okay, Plucky,
go down there and save her!"
The duck did a quick double-take. "Wha-huh-who, _ME_?"
Buster glared at him. "Yes, _YOU_. You can _fly_! She only
weighs 5 and a half pounds, you can just swoop down and pick her
up!"
"But..." Plucky protested.
"You're the only hope she's got," Buster pleaded.
"...but..." Plucky protested again.
"You'll be a hero," Babs added.
"...but..." Plucky protested one more time.
"And if you don't fly down there, we're gonna _throw_ you
down there!" Mary threatened.
Plucky shrugged helplessly. Against such stellar logic, what
choice did he have? "Hero, huh?...Okay, I'll DO it!" But just as
Plucky was getting ready to take off, Babs noticed something that
made her scream.
"HONEY! LOOK OU..." she started; but it was too late. A large
chunk of the fallen bridge, which had lodged itself against a rock
in the river path, suddenly came loose, and carried forward by the
incredible force of the mighty Joan Rivers, struck an unaware
Honey on the back of her head, opening a large wound and knocking
the poor girl unconscious! The Toons watched in horror as the
poor rabbit bobbed twice in the water, sank slightly, and then was
carried away from their sight, around the bend to her apparent
demise.
As they sat staring, unbelieving, none of them said a word.
It was moments before anybody said anything at all; and at last,
it was a tearful Mary Melody who gave voice to the question that
none of the other Toons wanted to ask:
"..sniff...Wh..sob...who's...who's going to tell Bugs?"
=============================================================
(MUSIC : ACCORDION STING, followed by Serial Theme Playout)
Is this the end of Honey Bunny? Who is going to have the
painful duty of telling Bugs? What did Monty sneak away for?
And why is it called the Joan Rivers when there's only _one_
of them? Well, faithful readers, you won't find the answers by
playing your favorite Beatles records backwards, but you _will_
find them right here, same time, same webspace, next month in
Episode Four of "The Toony Way," entitled...
"WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD TOONS."
It's thought-provoking, gut-wrenching, nail-biting Dr. Laura-type
psycho-babbling Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama that you _WON'T_ want to
miss, and it's coming only to _THIS_..._INTERNET_OF_THE_MIND_!!!
========================================================
THE LAWYERS _STILL_ MADE US DO IT DEPT.:
TINY TOON ADVENTURES, LOONEY TUNES, and all related characters,
slogans and indicia are trademarks of and copyrighted (C)1998 by
Warner Bros., Inc., a Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved.
All RIDERS IN THE SKY related characters and elements are (C)1998
by RIDERS IN THE SKY and SONGS OF THE SAGE, INC. (BMI) All Rights
Reserved.
Story (C)1997, 1998 Lee M. Withers. This is an original work of
fan fiction based in part on the Warner Bros.-Amblin Entertainment
TV series TINY TOON ADVENTURES and the nationally-syndicated Public
Radio program RIDERS RADIO THEATER, A Mammoth Radio Pictures
Production in association with WVXU/The X-Star Radio Network, and
no claim is made by the author on the copyrights held by the copyright
owners.
Cast and guests of Acme Riders Internet Radio Theater bunk at the
Woody Paul Wing of the Quality Inn Central in Norwood, Ohio.