The setting: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of
the mind. RIDERS IN THE SKY have just finished performing the
Western Classic, "CIMMARON," and BABS BUNNY steps to the
center of the stage, carrying a hand-held microphone, while
The Riders' legendary announcer, TEXAS BIX BENDER, stands
poised at the ready behind his usual old-style large radio
announcer's microphone, waiting for his cue.
BABS:
Yes, The Beatles came back! Nixon came back! And like a
terminal case of athlete's foot, although I wouldn't know
anything about that myself, Acme-Riders-Internet-Radio
Theater will go forth and do likewise, right after this
message of monumental importance!
TEXAS BIX:
Howdy, neighbors, this is Texas Bix Bender talkin' to ya
from deep in the heart of the West! I'd like you to do me
a favor if you would and take just a moment to think about
that ol' calendar you got hangin' in there on the kitchen
wall. Now if you're like most folks, that thing is full of
little notes about birthdays, anniversaries, weddin's,
and other personal, special occasions. And as I _KNOW_
you know, every single cotton-pickin' one of these days
calls for a rememberance in the form of a gift from you.
Now, with that in mind, you gotta sit down and ask yourself,
"How on earth am I gonna be able to keep comin' up with
unique and meaningful gifts for all these occasions?"
Well, don't despair, neighbors, I wouldn'ta brought all
this up if I didn't have some answers for you. As a matter
of fact, I got exactly _100_ answers for any occasion, and
they come from your friends and mine, the good folks down
at the Del Rio Chicken Ranch. I'm talkin' about their
brand-new personalized gift service, which they call
"Tele-Chick." That's right, neighbors, now you can send
anybody anywhere _100_live_baby_chicks_, a full bouquet,
for only 9.99, simply by picking up your phone and giving
us a call.
Now, think about it, pardners: it's Mother's Day and your
sweet little Momma opens the door, and the postman hands her
a package of 100 live baby chicks. Won't she be surprised?
And what about Father's Day? Forget about the loud tie
that he never wears and the Old Spice cologne he's got a
cabinet full of, and send ol' Dad the gift that keeps on
giving, 100 _live_baby_chicks_.
Now, what if you've got a sweetheart that's hard to shop
for, or maybe you had a little spat and are tryin' to make
up, but he or she says, "No dice." Well, pick up that phone
and give Tele-Chick a call. Order your sweetheart a hundred
live baby chicks! Then just sit back and wait for their
phone call--I _guarantee_ you'll hear from 'em the moment
those chicks arrive!
So do me a favor now, will ya? Take a look at that calendar
we were talkin' about earlier, figure out what dates you're
gonna need a present for, then pick up that phone and call
1-900-TEL-CHIC. That's 1-900-T-E-L-C-H-I-C. It'll only cost
you 9.99 per order. And remember, sending a hundred live
baby chicks to someone could change their whole attitude
towards _YOU!_ Call now, won't ya? Thanks a heap, and now,
back to Acme-Riders-Internet-Radio Theater!*
(JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING" begins playing another upbeat
polka on his Stomach Steinway.)
TEXAS BIX:
Stay with us, Cyberpals and Toonatics, we'll be right back!
We continue with "The National Cartoon Polka Countdown,
Warner Bros. Division," with Survey Song #10, "The
Adventures of Batman and Robin..."
EVERYBODY:
(Shouting out loud) "...POLKA!!!"
(Which Joey plays. Texas Bix steps back up to the mic as
the final chord echoes through the soundstage, as the
imaginary audience gives Joey another thunderous ovation.)
TEXAS BIX:
Welcome back, Toonatics and Cyberpals, you're staring at a
computer screen! And THAT can only mean you're lookin' at
Acme-Riders-Internet-Radio Theater!
(RANGER DOUG, TOO SLIM, and PLUCKY DUCK step to the mic to
do the Riders' traditional NBC Chimes set to the Mooing of
Cows, only Plucky--instead of mooing--says "Quack." Ranger
Doug and Too Slim immediately take off their hats and
whomp him over the head, chasing him offstage.)
(MUSIC: Serial Theme)
And now, Acme-Riders-Internet-Radio Theater presents the
ongoing saga of "The Cowboy Way." Tonight, Episode 4 of the
exciting SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way."
As faithful readers will no doubt recall...The Tiny Toons,
along with Bugs and Honey Bunny, are spending part of their
summer vacation as the guests of Riders In The Sky, at Famed
Old Harmony Ranch, deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Valley.
Why? Because Bugs took a wrong turn at Albuquerque...or
possibly Nogales. Their accidental arrival in Tumbleweed
Valley coincided with the intentional return of the Riders'
long-time nemeses, the arch villain Slocum and his 300-lb.
doofus henchman Charlie, who immediately began making plans
for doing away with Riders In The Sky. Why? Because...
they're villains. That's what they do. It's their job.
This also happened to coincide with the arrival of Babs and
Buster's arch-foe, the richest spoiled brat in all of Acme
Acres, Montana Max, who's followed Bugs and company in the
mistaken belief that Bugs's Uncle's "Lost Rabbit Mine" is
in Tumbleweed Valley! Why? Because Monty is greedy, and
also because he has tapioca for brains...but mostly because
he has tapioca for brains. And immediately after learning
that Bugs has been seen in the company of Riders In The Sky,
Slocum, Charlie and Montana Max form an unholy trinity, with
the avowed purpose of eliminating _both_ Bugs Bunny and the
Riders once and for all. Why? Because they _think_ they can.
And it was a short time later, after a series of events too
ridiculous and lengthy to put into a serial recap, but which
included not one, but TWO too-close encounters of the doofus
kind, and an unfortunate biscuit slinging episode at the
hands of the Riders' crusty old camp cook, Side Meat, that
Honey Bunny, on the advice of Ranger Doug, The Idol of
American Youth, decided for her own safety to spend the
afternoon horseback riding. At Bugs's insistence, the Toons--
Babs and Buster Bunny, Plucky Duck and Mary Melody--went along
for the ride, unaware that disaster awaited them at the end of
the trail. Or, in this case, in the middle of a bridge, where
Charlie--under orders from Monty and Slocum--stood, pitchin'
possibly incriminatin' evidence over the side, some 2000 feet
below into the mighty Joan Rivers (the river with the biggest
mouth in all of Tumbleweed County). He was also ordered to
get rid of a small, clear glass bottle labeled "Crumbumbium,"
but the sound of an approaching Chevy Blazer startled the big
doofus, and he dropped the bottle at his feet, where it
shattered, spilling most of its' seemingly harmless contents.
Charlie quickly hightailed it to the cover of a large bush
at the far end of the bridge, which was fortunate for him,
but as it turned out, was most unfortunate for Honey and her
Palomino mare, Goldengirl. For what Crumbumbium does is cause
any brick, stone, masonry or concrete surface it comes in
contact with to crumble and disintegrate within seconds of
application, if more than 8 pounds total pressure is put on
it. And since Honey's horse, unlike her owner, is a very
_real_ animal, the second that horse and rider rode across
the affected surface of the concrete bridge...
...The Toons stared helplessly as Honey and Goldengirl fell
end over end, 2000 feet below, and into the mighty Joan
Rivers! The impact knocked Goldengirl unconscious, and the
powerful waters swept the small Palomino away, out of sight.
Honey, stunned by the same impact, sank below the water and
disappeared for several tense minutes, then dramatically
reappeared as though she were in a bad horror flick! Charlie
slipped away, unnoticed by the Toonsters, who were more
concerned with rescuing Honey, when Buster came up with an
idea...
BUSTER:
Hey! Plucky's a _duck_! He can _FLY_! He can swoop down and
pick her up!
BABS:
You can be a _hero_, Plucky!
MARY:
And if you don't fly down, we'll _THROW_ you down!
PLUCKY:
(Shrugging) Oh, well, if you're gonna hit me with _logic_...
TEXAS BIX:
...But before Plucky could affect a rescue of the Sweetest
Fembunny In All Toondom, tragedy struck, as a section of the
crumbled bridge worked itself loose from where it was lodged
in the river, aided and abetted by the rapid rushing water,
and headed straight for an unsuspecting Honey Bunny!
BABS:
(Screaming) LOOK OU...
TEXAS BIX:
...but Babs's warning came too late--the piece of bridge,
carried by the force of the river, struck a crushing blow to
the back of Honey's head, opening a large wound, knocking the
rabbit out, and as a result, the rapid waters of the mighty
Joan Rivers carried the petite fembunny out of sight of the
stunned Toons.
MARY:
(In tears) Wh...(sob)...who...who's going to tell Bugs?
(MUSIC: Dramatic accordion sting)
TEXAS BIX:
...And now, Episode 4 of "The Toony Way," entitled...
"WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD TOONS."
(MUSIC: Slow, almost mournful accordion arrangement of
"Bridge Over Troubled Water")
Friends and neighbors, if this were a _perfect_ world, the
sun would shine on everybody all the time...certain cartoon
comedy shows would _never_ go out of production...certain
public radio cowboy programs would be accessible to anybody
who wanted to hear it...and certain vulgar, cigar-smokin'
women who sell used cars would never...and I DO mean NEVER,
_EVER_ be allowed anywhere near a Major League Baseball
franchise in The Queen City of The West! But, as anyone
who's ever washed their car just before the arrival of a
great big thunderstorm...or has had to sit through the 322nd
showing on cable TV of "The Re-Return of the Toxic Avenger"
...or has had to sit and suffer in silence while the best
public radio cowboy program the world has ever known is
pre-empted by yet another fund drive...or has ever followed
the box scores of the Cincinnati Reds, and just shaken their
heads sadly, know only all too well...we do not live in a
perfect world. And if this _were_ a perfect world, then it
would be a safe bet to say that tragedies like the one that
befell sweet Honey Bunny would never have happened at all...
Not to mention her horse.
The Toons spent most of the rest of that afternoon mounting
an exhaustive search along the mighty Joan Rivers for any
trace of Honey, with Buster and Babs burrowing along the
riverbank, Mary driving Honey's Chevy on the roads near the
river, and Plucky conducting an aerial search, all to no
avail. Finally, reluctantly, and very sadly, the Toonsters
resign themselves to one inevitable conclusion...their friend
is gone.
As our story resumes, a week has passed, and things are not
at all harmonious at Famed Old Harmony Ranch. Babs has
become, even for _her_, unusually quiet. Plucky, feeling
pangs of guilt for not having acted sooner, is also keeping
pretty much to himself, and avoiding contact with everyone.
Mary is trying to keep busy, helping with chores at the ranch
and tending to Matilda, the Australian Barking Cat, but even
Matilda senses that her heart really isn't in it. And
friends, when an Australian Barking Cat can detect somethin'
like that, well, it's not a good sign. And Buster, who's
taken this tragedy the hardest of all of the Toons, has holed
himself up in a bunkhouse and refuses to come out for even
the most basic social pleasantries. And as for The Most
Famous Cartoon Rabbit Of Them All, he's spent the past week
seated at a large table in the main ranchhouse, staring at a
picture of his lost love, not saying a word...while off to
one side, three concerned singing cowboys, and a crusty old
camp cook, wonder what's coming next...
"Gee, Ranger Doug, what's coming next?" sighed Too Slim.
"I don't know," the Ranger replied.
After a brief, uncomfortable silence, Slim asked, "Um...
aren't you going to say '...but I don't have to know'?"
"No, I'm not, Slim," Ranger Doug sighed.
"Well, then, can I say it?"
"No you can't, Slim..."
Woody turned angrily towards Side Meat. "This wouldn'ta
happened if you hadn't flung biscuits at her!"
"Yeah," Too Slim agreed, "she'd still be alive today if
you woulda left her alone!"
Ranger Doug sought to restore order among his compadres.
"Boys, boys, I'm sure Side Meat feels bad enough..."
Side Meat thought for a second. "Well, no, Ranger Doug,
actually, I'm-a feelin' pretty good about myself lately,
I been reducin' my need for roughage, an'..."
A sigh from Bugs got the Riders' attention.
"Hey, that's the first thing he's said in a week," Woody
noted.
"Yeah, this could be the breakthrough we've been waiting
for," agreed Slim. Cautiously, the Riders approached Bugs,
who sighed again, stared forlornly at the picture of Honey,
and sadly shook his head.
"Bugs?" asked Ranger Doug. The famed gray hare didn't
even look up.
"I shoulda never let her talk me inta lettin' her stay
here," he muttered. "Dis was s'posed ta be our honeymoon..."
"Gosh, Bugs, if there's anything we can do," Slim began.
Bugs looked up at him; but this was not the same Bugs
Bunny of the cartoons. The undisputed master of cartoon
comedy was eerily absent, and in his place sat one very sad
rabbit. "Can youse guys bring Honey back?" he asked.
After what seemed like an eternity, Woody replied "Uh...
well, no..."
Bugs lowered his head, sighed, and stared at the picture
again. "Den dere's nuttin' youse can do." The silence that
filled the main ranchhouse was beginning to get deafening,
and was finally broken only by the ringing of a telephone.
"I'll get that," Ranger Doug said, as he picked up the
receiver. "Hello, Famed Old Harmony Ranch. Ranger Doug, The
Idol of American Youth speaking,..."
"Oh, hey, Ranger Doug, this is Drywall..."
"Hey, Sheriff, we've been hoping we'd hear from you..."
Slim suddenly perked up. "Hey, maybe Drywall's finally
found something!"
"I should think so, he's had a whole week," Woody Paul
said flatly.
Side Meat grumbled. "Ah, if'n you ask me, that halfwit
couldn't hit a mule in the butt with a banjo."
A stern look from Ranger Doug brought much-needed quiet.
"Have you...found any trace of her at all, Drywall?"
"I'm afraid not, Hoss, we've looked up one river and
down the other...we ain't been able to find a thing, but it
sure ain't been for lack o' tryin'. An' bein' as shorthanded
as this department is, I shore appreciated you guys pitchin'
in. I just wish those kids coulda been of more help..."
"I'm sure if there was something they could've done,
they would have, but you can understand how they're feeling,"
the Ranger said emphatically, but softly.
"Ah know that, Ranger Doug, an'...well, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to call off the search. If we ain't found her after
a week, then we ain't gonna find her at all...I just wish I
had more hours an' manpower to..."
"No need to explain, Drywall, you did the best you could,
and that's all anybody can ask."
"Well, thanks, Ranger Doug, I...uh...well, that is..."
After an unusual pause, Ranger Doug asked, "Uh, Drywall,
am I hearing things, or..."
"Yeah, I'm cryin', so what?" Drywall replied defensively.
"She was a real sweet girl..."
"We know," Ranger Doug said. "I didn't know you felt so
strongly about her..."
"Of _course_ I did, Ranger Doug--she's the first person--
uh, rabbit--uh, cartoon...well, she's the first one I ever
met who admitted to buyin' my records! A country singer can't
forget a fan like that!"
"I know the feeling," the Ranger concurred.
"Look, I...I gotta get back to work, would ya mind doin'
me a big favor?"
"Sure, Sheriff, anything..."
"Well, Ranger Doug, would ya tell Crusader Rabbit I'm
sorry I couldn't find her?"
"Um...yeah, Drywall. See ya." Ranger Doug hung up and
rejoined Woody, Slim, and Bugs, Side Meat having gone back to
the kitchen to inflict more damage upon the food chain. The
Ranger didn't even have to discuss the phone conversation
he'd just had. Even in his grief, Bugs could still read
people like a book.
"Dey called off da search, right?"
"I'm afraid so, Bugs." Woody and Slim stared at each
other.
"Well, how can he _do_ that? I mean, it's only been a
week, right?" Slim asked, peeved.
"Yeah, and if..." Woody suddenly stopped in mid-thought,
and then Slim noticed it, too...the thoughtful, studious look
on Ranger Doug's face. He was seriously considering...well,
whatever it was, it was important.
"What are you thinking, Ranger Doug?" asked Woody Paul.
Ranger Doug took his compadres off to one side, out of
earshot of Bugs, and spoke in low tones. "Do you remember
when I said you can't kill cartoon characters?"
"Yeah," Slim said, "just before you said 'even with bad
cooking," what's that got to do with..." Then, as strange as
it might seem, the same thought Ranger Doug had came to both
Slim and Woody simultaneously. "You think Honey might still
be...alive?"
"I'm not sure, Slim," the Ranger admitted, "but it's a
possibility we have to consider. Somehow, I'm convinced that,
as impossible at it might seem, that Honey has made it to
safety, and we just haven't been looking in the right spots."
"That's possible?" asked Slim.
"Entirely," Woody Paul said. "You gotta remember just how
many rivers run through Tumbleweed Valley. We couldn't've
possibly covered them all in a week! And if Ranger Doug says
that there's a chance Honey might still be alive, then that's
good enough for me!"
"Me, too!" Slim agreed.
"Great," Ranger Doug beamed. "Of course, we're going to
have to do this search without the help of Drywall..."
"Hey, we oughta be done a lot quicker that way," Woody
said, and Slim and Ranger Doug couldn't tell if he was bein'
funny or not. "I'll go get all the maps of the rivers..."
"And I'll draw up some search grids of all the areas we
haven't gone through yet," offered Slim.
"That's the spirit, boys!" Ranger Doug said brightly.
"It's not the _easy_ way, but it's..."
"THE _COWBOY_ WAY!" Slim and Woody said along with the
Ranger.
Bugs looked up, slightly annoyed. "Hey, could youse t'ree
keep da noise down? I'm tryin' ta suffer in silence."
"Bugs," Ranger Doug said softly, "I know this past week
has been difficult, but I just want you to know that we're
not going to give up. We'll search every river there is in
Tumbleweed County if it takes us the rest of forever! There's
something that's not quite right about this whole thing, and
we're going to get to the bottom of it!"
The famed gray hare looked up at the Riders, just more
than a little annoyed. "Oh, dat's great...dat's jus' jim-dan-
dandy! Hoppy, Gene and Tex are gonna ride to da rescue after
all da damage has been done, eh?" Bugs's tone was approaching
"nuclear" as he suddenly got up from his chair, rose to his
feet, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Well, T'ANKS, BUT
_NO_T'ANKS_!!!" And with that, he suddenly stormed out of the
room, slamming the door behind him, leaving three concerned
singing cowboys with worried looks on their faces, staring
open-mouthed at the spot where Bugs had been.
After an uncomfortable silence, Woody asked, "Gosh,
Ranger Doug, do you think it was something we said?" Ranger
Doug turned and stared at Woody.
"We...we were just trying to help," Slim sighed sadly.
"I know that, Slim," the Ranger replied, "but sometimes,
the best way to help someone is to not help them at all. This
is something Bugs needs to work out for himself."
"I see what you mean," Slim agreed. "Does this mean that
we're _not_ gonna go looking for Honey Bunny?"
"No, Slim, it doesn't. We're going to go forward with
this search...we owe her that much, if not more."
In the meantime, Bugs was lost in his own thoughts, not
really paying the slightest attention to where he was going.
Before he realized it, he found himself at the back porch of
the main ranchhouse, where, sitting on the back steps, he saw
Mary Melody, absent-mindedly petting Matilda, the Australian
Barking Cat. Bugs sat down beside them quietly, as Matilda
looked up at him with curiosity.
"Yip, m'row?" she asked, sensing something was bothering
him. That got Mary's attention, and she suddenly looked up.
"Oh, hi," she said quietly.
Bugs heaved a heavy sigh. "Hi, yerself," he finally
answered. More silence followed before Bugs spoke again. "Dem
crazy cowboys t'ink dey can find Honey after a week..."
"Really? Do you think they'll succeed?"
"I ain't got da slightest idea, Mar."
More silence followed, before Mary said, "Bugs...do
you think...well, that is, do you believe that..."
"Go on, Mary, what?"
"Well...do you think that toons have souls?"
Bugs thought about that heavy question for not even half
a moment. He stared at the sun, which was just now starting
to set, painting the Western sky with a veritable palette of
pastel colors. "I ain't sure, kid, but if we do--an' I ain't
sayin' we _don't_, mind ya--den Honey's was da sweetest soul
I ever had da pleasure o' knowin'." He stared at the sunset
and sighed again. "If ya don't mind, Mar..."
"I understand, Bugs," she replied, as she got up from her
seat on the back porch. "If you need someone to talk to..."
A half-smile came across Bugs for the first time in a
week. "Yeah, t'anks, Mar." He nodded slightly, and returned
his gaze to the sunset. 'Honey loved sunsets,' he thought to
himself as Mary and Matilda left him to this thoughts. He
reached again into one of those built-in pockets that most
toons seem to have, and took another look at the picture of
Honey. "Wherever you are, Baby Doll," he said to the photo,
"sunsets ain't gonna seem da same wit'out ya." Then he held
the picture close to his heart, as a solitary tear rolled
down his face.
Yes, somewhere folks are singing
And somewhere, children play,
And somewhere, fish are jumping
By the road to Mandalay,
And somewhere, cattle's grazing
And birds fly up above...
But there's no joy in Tumbleweed Valley
Since Bugs Bunny...lost his love.
Friends and neighbors, it's a wise man who instinctively
knows the correct course of action to take even before all
the options have been presented to him. And the course that
Ranger Doug suggested seems to be the right one to follow,
at least for now. Let's do just that, then. Let's leave Bugs
Bunny...alone...
(MUSIC: Transitional piece)
...and instead, focus our attention on what we hope will turn
out to be a more tranquil setting. Despite the quaintness of
its' name, and in spite of the fact that both Tumbleweed City
and Tumbleweed Valley are not very large areas, Tumbleweed
County, on the other hand, actually covers quite a wide piece
of territory.; and thus, there are still vast reaches of the
place that not even longtime residents are aware exists. This
could be attributed to the fact that most of them are busy
and don't really have the time or inclination to go in for
exploring, or that they're just plain lazy, or could really
care less. It's to one of those unexplored regions that our
story now shifts.
As we focus in on a peaceful forest setting at the very edge
of Tumbleweed County, we see a white-tailed deer anxiously
watching as a young Native American woman with extra-long
jet black hair, soft brown eyes and a pleasant smile, quietly
administers first aid to the doe's wounded fawn. Watching all
this with familiar patience are a butterscotch-and-white
dingo/shepherd mix, and a brown stallion with a flowing dark
brown mane and tail. They've seen her do this sort of thing
time and time again, and have long since gotten used to it.
"There, that should take care of you," the young woman
said softly, securing an herbal poultice to the wounded
fawn's leg. "Just watch out for jagged rocks, okay?" The
grateful fawn responded by licking the young woman's face,
her tail wagging happily. The young woman responded with a
soft, gentle laugh. "No need for thanks, I'm happy to help,"
she said with an appealing smile. "Now, go..." And with that,
the fawn and her mother bound away toward the edge of the
forest, turn and give the young woman one last look, and with
a flash of white tail, they are gone.
The young woman sighs, reaches into the white cotton tank
top under her half-opened red flannel shirt, and pulls out
what looks to be a hand-crafted medallion with an ornate bird
on it. She sits and remembers the person who gave it to her
when she was very young, and smiles. "Would he be proud of
the way that I..."
A sudden noise from her horse leaves the young woman's
question temporarily unanswered; and from the way the horse
is acting, it becomes all too apparent to her that the horse
knows something that she doesn't, but she's been with the
animal long enough to know exactly what's bothering him--
someone is in trouble and needs their help now!
With a great running leap, the young woman lands on the
horse's back. "Ride, Zephyr!" she commands. At the same time,
the butterscotch-and-white dingo/shepherd, named Christie,
leaps into action and runs alongside them, as the young
woman trusts her mount's keen hearing and unerring sense of
direction to take them where they need to be. And as to be
expected, the horse does not let his mistress down, flying
like the wind over unfamiliar territory as though he'd been
brought up here. As they round a turn and head towards a
curve in the river before them, the young woman pulls up the
reins of her horse, but only for a moment; still, she is
stunned by the sight before her. What she sees is a small
Palomino mare, obviously wounded, but struggling to maintain
her footing in the rushing water. The young woman watches,
amazed at first, as the mare stumbles, falls, rises, and then
stumbles again and again, and then finally it becomes clear
what the horse is trying to do--she's trying, with whatever's
left of her waning strength, to pull something--or possibly
_someone_--out of the river, and will not give up until she
does!
Immediately, the young woman and her animal cohorts go
into action, as they ride to the Palomino's side. The young
woman dismounts and leaps into the water, while her horse and
dog gently nudge the young mare to the safety of the nearby
riverbank. And it's moments later that the young woman, now
soaked to the skin and panting heavily, emerges from the
water, carrying a small figure in her arms. She immediately
sets the body down on the riverbank and checks for a pulse,
and finding none, begins artificial respiration. The minutes
seem to drag by, until, after a half-hour, the small figure
coughs violently, and begins slowly breathing on her own.
It is then, and only then, that her rescuer slumps back
against a large rock, and takes her first real good look at
the person she's just saved from certain death. And that's
when the young woman's eyes nearly pop out of her head with
an amazing realization!
"Hey!" she says in disbelief, "this isn't a person! It's
...it's...this is a..."
(MUSIC: Suspenseful sting, followed by the strains of
"Someone's Got To Do It")
...and meanwhile, back at that den of iniquity known as The
Dry Gulch Saloon, Slocum sits by himself, waiting for the
return of his new "outside financier," and the 300-pound
doofus he sent out to do some much needed dirty work...
"Where can that idiot be? He should've been back by..."
Suddenly the back door bursts open, and Charlie dashes in
and hides behind the bar.
"What's your hurry, Charlie, ya blow up a bridge or
something?" Slocum sneers. "Where you been, anyway? You
realize you've been gone for almost a week?"
"I've been hidin', Slocum," the gruff-voiced henchman
replied from behind the bar.
Slocum shrugged. "Well, that's understandable, Charlie;
if I had a face like yours, I'd wanna hide, too. In fact, if
I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave his...by the way,
not that it's any of my business, but _why_ are you hiding?"
"You mean you haven't heard?"
"Heard what?"
"About what happened at the old Lloyd Bridges...you mean
_nobody_ knows about..."
Slocum now turned a suspicious eye toward the bar. "Ahem,
Charlie...what did you do?"
"Uh, who, ME? Nothin', boss, I swear, it just fell right
out from under her..."
"What fell out from under who?" demanded Slocum.
"That's what I'D like to know," came the unmistakable
annoying voice of Montana Max, who suddenly appeared in the
doorway.
"Hey, Monty, we didn't hear you come in," Slocum said in
his oiliest tones.
"Of _course_ you didn't," Monty grumbled as he made his
way to the table where Slocum sat. "You're not _supposed_ to
notice a Stealth fighter."
"Whoa, you've got a Stealth?" Charlie asked, clearly
impressed.
Monty shrugged it off nonchalantly. "Why shouldn't I? I'm
rich, I can afford a toy or two."
"A Stealth fighter? Some toy!" Slocum chuckled. Montana
Max ignored him and focused all of his attention on Charlie.
"Now, Charlie, suppose you tell me all about this bridge
collapsing that you had nothing to do with."
Charlie shrugged. "Okay...you see, it started with this
green duck..."
(MUSIC: Accordion sting, followed by Serial Theme Playout)
TEXAS BIX:
What kind of story is Charlie about to tell? What has a green
duck got to do with it? Who IS that young woman on horseback?
And what, or _who_, did she pull out of the river? Well, you
won't find the answers on Evans and Novak, but you WILL find
them right here, same time, same webspace, next month, in
Episode 5 of "The Toony Way," entitled...
"PLUCKY FINDS A CLUE!"
It's I-can't-believe-I-said-it-you-won't-believe-he-does-it
type Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama that you WON'T want to miss,
and it's coming ONLY to THIS...INTERNET OF THE MIND!!!
(MUSIC: cold close.)
THE FINKS...ER, LAWYERS (heh heh heh) _STILL_ MADE US DO IT
DEPARTMENT:
"TINY TOON ADVENTURES," "LOONEY TUNES," and all related
characters, slogans and indicia are Copyrighted (C)1998,
Warner Bros., Inc., a Time Warner Company. All Rights
Reserved.
All RIDERS IN THE SKY characters and trademark elements are
Copyrighted (C)1998 by RIDERS IN THE SKY and SONGS OF THE
SAGE, INC., a fine, upstanding, dues payin' member of BMI.
All Rights Reserved.
All other original characters (C)1998, Lee M. Withers, who
ain't makin' a dime off this thing. So there.
Story (C)1997, 1998, Lee M. Withers. This is an original work
of fan fiction, based in part on the nationally syndicated
Public Radio Program "RIDERS RADIO THEATER", a Mammoth Radio
Pictures Production in association with WVXU/The X-Star Radio
Network, and the Amblin Entertainment/Warner Bros. Animation
TV series, "TINY TOON ADVENTURES," and is not meant to be
taken as canon. No claim is made by the author on the
copyrights held by the copyright owners.
Travel consideration for the cast and guests of ACME-RIDERS-
INTERNET-RADIO THEATER is paid for by the cast and guests
themselves, because this is a cheap show.
However, they still are allowed to bunk at the famed Woody
Paul wing of the Quality Central in Norwood, Ohio.
*-"TELE-CHICK" originally appeared on "RIDERS RADIO THEATER"
and was written and originally performed by Texas Bix Bender,
with a tip o' the big brimmed Stetson to Stellar Steve
Arwood.